Breaking The Silence....

In Loving Memory of Miss Dani Marie

1 lbs. 10 inches long. The smallest warrior I’ve ever seen. Holding her in one hand while caressing her cheek with my other hand made me melt. This is what being an aunt feels like. Being completely in love; willing to move mountains to make that angel happy. Her eyes and nose matched, identical to the same eyes and nose I had seen for almost 19 years. Dani looked just like her momma.

My younger sister, Christy went into labor at 22 weeks late at night on August 10 and delivered her beautiful baby girl on August 11. Watching the strongest woman I know, whom I’m lucky to call my sister deliver my incredibly loved niece will always hold a majority of my heart. A serious and very rare infection in my sister’s uterus couldn’t have been detected and unfortunately, there was nothing that could have been done. The family got to spend time with Dani for a hour before she met Jesus and was greeted by our great grandmother, Alyce Williams in heaven.

For days following I kept saying, “My sister shouldn’t have to experience this”. And although that is true, I’ve come to realize no one should ever experience that type of pain. No mother, father, grandmother, great grandmother, grandfather, great grandfather, aunt, uncle, or cousin should have to burry a baby. So why does it happen? Why is this type of pain a part of life? Because God has a plan? That’s what I’ve been telling myself for weeks now. I’ve been trusting in a plan that I even can’t fathom.

The type of pain I’ve experienced is the type that isn’t just from losing my first niece. It isn’t the fact that I became so excited to meet this beautiful girl and spoil her rotten. My pain is the type that comes from a big sister who can’t and couldn’t protect her younger sister from feeling what is possibly the worst heartache. Not being a mother myself, I can’t even imagine what it must feel like. So, I sit here trying to understand still… I may never understand it. But being the big sister, I want to heal and make everything better. I stood there whispering, “Miss Dani, I love you” while her mother wept…that’s the type of pain that breaks a person’s hope a part.

I didn’t care about anything for the days following Dani’s funeral. I ate what I wanted based on my emotions and I didn’t exercise. I didn’t make an effort to talk about my emotions. I focused on my sister and my family. I couldn’t process it myself, and didn’t want to be rushed.

This blog is dedicated to my fitness journey, my trials and tribulations. Obviously, this entry is more personal, but in order to understand my emotions and struggles, you must understand exactly what is happening in my life. This event is still fresh in my heart and memory and after time I don’t think the pain will ever ease. I hope to someday really understand the plan God has for my sister. I may think I know why based on events that will take place, but His plan will become evident to her when the time is right.

I do know that my sister is the greatest mother I know. To give the amount of love she did in such a short amount of time, no one will ever compare. My sweet niece went into the arms of Jesus while being loved in the arms of her mother and father.

Since returning home, I have chosen to eat healthy again after 9 days of horrible eating and no exercise. I signed up for a gym membership. It’s a new month and I am still making progress toward my goals. I DID NOT GIVE UP. I know that someday I will be an aunt again and in order to love my nieces or nephews as long as possible, I need to be healthy. I know one day I will see Dani again, and I hope when I do she will let me know how proud of she is of everyone that she left behind.

I’ve dedicated this blog entry to Dani Marie, I want her to know I will never give up on my goals and promises to myself. Our family was blessed to be able to love her; she brought us together even more than we could have thought. For her, I am thankful for gracing me with that first “auntie” love. I will never forget it, and will always cherish those moments we shared together.

Auntie Chelly loves you.