Tough Love

No one is too good for a little tough love. No one is perfect, and everyone deserves to be able to look in the mirror and see a real, raw reflection. It's the best way to push forward. Everyone; even myself.

This week was horrible. Hell, I feel like this month has been horrible. I might be having a few moments of harsh criticism right now, but that's okay. I can't keep allowing to tell myself "it's just one more binge, it's just one bad meal". Yes, it's not horrible, but I'm not putting my knowledge and will power to the best use possible. I'm not the person I was a few months ago. I've changed and I'm so confused.

I think since September, I've lost a side of me that I fought to find. Once grief and loss struck, I gave a piece of me up. I thought that pain could drive me...push me harder, but really...I've continued to sink lower and lower in this pit of confusion. I'm depressed, that's clear. I feel blessed and know I've been giving it effort, but lets face it...life sucks sometimes. There's no reason for some things and that's the hardest thing to accept. I walk thru my daily schedule worried about losing people I care about. I need to enjoy them NOW! Not worry. I need to practice being mindful and being present right NOW! 

Damnit, I have goals to meet and records to break. I have Bloomsday to run; right beside my friends. The same friends who have picked me up and held me high while I was at my lowest. The same friends who have fought the same fight I have (sometimes facing harder times) and are still standing. So why do I feel like I need to be babied or need more time?  I have mountains to climb this summer and clothes to wear that I've never warn before. Why am I lacking in this confidence and drive? 

I need that voice and that person I was when I came down off of that mountain almost a year ago while my legs were shaking and my lungs were begging for air. I need to hear myself say "you did it, you can do it again tomorrow". I need that person who sat, starting a blog with the realization that she finally had a voice. A voice that finally said she had will power and determination. I need to show people that yes, sometimes you fall and or stay at the same level for a LOOONNNGGG time but that growth doesn't take place. That growth takes place in challenges, while you're at your lowest, striving for your best. 

Tomorrow, I'm starting the fight all over again. I'm starting from scratch and I will find that girl and her loud voice, again. I will find them and hold on to them. I won't back down.