Mental Health

Binge. Eating "issue". Disorder. Therapy. Count calories. Don't count calories. Just stop already. Struggle. Weak. Uncontrollable. Addicted. Powerless. Triggers. Hopeless. Defeated. Worthless.

Screw that.

I had this thought a few months ago after a McDonald's binge episode that my journey didn't mean as much as those who don't binge. My success and my work wasn't up to par. After all, I was hindering any progress because of the choices I was making in that drive thru.

Bullshit.

I'm this weak creature that doesn't have control over what goes into my body 24/7. I give my all for days, eating clean and feeling great to only throw it away because I can't find the "urge" to say no. 

Ridiculous.

I'm addicted to food. It holds a power over me that sometimes I can't explain.

Accurate.

My head and body don't work together all the time. My body strives for progress and for changes, I feel it getting "bored" when I'm at the same place for too long. My mind tells me I want bad food. It says that fast food or sugar filled processed junk will make me feel better. The stress of work, life, relationships, dealing with death, and trying to have it all together all the time seems to disappear for those few moments that the sandwich, ice cream, candy bar touches my mouth.

I had my first counseling appointment yesterday. I'm sure as the week goes on, I'll piece it together more and more and certain things will stand out, but here is an overview of what I took away from the session and what I plan to keep in the back of my mind this week...just as a start.

• The times of my episodes happen(ed) when stress levels rise. When trauma happens, I give up completely on trying to prevent episodes. I close up and don't sort through the pain and issues. 
• When I feel stressed, I need to take a moment and remember a memory that has an emotional connection. An emotion that I find inspiring. I need to either sit, close my eyes, focus on deep belly filled breathes and place myself in the situation and scenery all over again. Example: the day I ran up the Hidden Trail behind my house in less than 15 minutes instead of walking it in 40 minutes. That feeling I got when I put my hands behind my head, closed my eyes, took deep breathes to give my lungs a little more life, and opened my eyes to see the river, houses, mountains, valley, and trees surrounding myself. The beauty that I found in that moment...a moment that can never be taken away from me.The moment I smiled when tears ran down my face because I was proud of myself.
• In a sense, my anxiety has lessened by a lot, but it has manifested to wanting to over eat. 
• When I want or get the idea to binge, the only thing that stops the thoughts is actually doing it. So, I'm going to try this instead: picture a new goal. A goal that will take a lot of hard work and dedication to accomplish. Something I may think I can't accomplish, but a goal that I have a passion to succeed at. Picture my surrounding, the feeling that could possibly come with it (lets face it, it will probably be 100 times better than what I think). Sit in that moment and realize that binging isn't going to help my goals. 

Some things that became crystal clear as I walked out of the session.

• This is mental. Time to strengthen my spirit, soul, and mind. 
• I'm no less than anyone else on a weight loss journey or living a healthy lifestyle. I'm simply having to focus on different aspects to make it all work. 
• I felt better saying everything out loud.
• I'm excited to challenge myself why being kind to my mind and body.

Have a great Tuesday! Make this week better than last!