National Eating Disorder Awareness Week

Today starts the week of being aware, educated, and inspired. "Everybody knows somebody" is the theme this year for the National Eating Disorder Awareness Week. 

Do you know someone who struggles with body image/ personal love that leads to an altered/unhealthy relationship with food. Or maybe someone who has an addiction to food that leads to guilt and body issues? 

Me. 

I'm a binge eater. I hear people tell me that it could be worse. I agree, but don't let that fool you to think that I'm healthy and fit all the time. I still struggle every single day with having to make the right choices and not let my emotions and stress/anxiety triggers take over. I know my issues are severely caused by emotional/mental hurdles and I'm making the necessary steps to process. 

My journey started with weight loss, to look and feel healthier. I started with small goals in mind and even a couple of long term goals. I wanted to work toward a body that can lift heavy, keep up with high intense situations, and allow me to do things I've never done. In all of those outward-body related goals, I rejected to make mental hurdles. I feel slightly stunted in my mental/emotional strength. It's a work in progress, every single day. 

Now, my goals is body image and self love. How can we change the way we view ourselves? Do we start with making the rest of the world see us in a different light, or do we simply embrace our bodies and disregard others? Both sound almost impossible. People will think what they want about me and my body. I'm sure when I reach my long term goal, people will have negative things to say, and I'm okay with that. The thing is, I'm not staying constant-I'm striving to evolve daily and become a better version of myself as time continues on. 

We need to STOP pointing out our negatives or flaws. We will always wish and want what we don't have. (That's another topic in itself...to be continued). Instead of hating the bodies we do have, why don't we look ourselves in the mirror (naked if you are willing) focus on three positives (shoulders, length of legs, clear skin) and thank your body for all it has done so far. Now, start by enhancing or focusing on what you like to take it to "the next level". Example: I love my legs. Bigger or not, I love my legs and know that they can be defined and toned. I dedicate 2-3 days a day in the gym focusing on different leg workouts to strengthen and improve them. 

I see so many people say, "If you don't like what you have, change it!". To an extent, I completely agree, because I know it can be done. However, it's a scary thought and sometimes can be too hard to imagine. So, instead of focusing on a negative and working to change it completely; I really like focusing on what I already love and watch "it" change/improve to "wow" myself even more. 

Slowly but surely, you will find it in yourself to trust and love your body enough to change any "problem areas". My stomach is ALWAYS my main concern, but I don't do 3 hours of cardio a day to make it go away. I know that's unrealistic. I work toward lessening my body fat, however, my legs changing and my skin becoming more clear really makes me fall in love with my body overall. 

I hope this gives a small insight to how I slowly started to regain love for my body and the love I found when I realized what I could accomplish by working hard and eating clean, wholesome foods. This is what we should focus on every single day, but I encourage you to try wholeheartedly this week while people are recognized for their recovery, and while others find the strength to reach out for help.

When it comes to food I have a couple of simple tips: 1. Cooke with color! Have fun with food by adding in various colors. 2. Balanced meals should contain lean protein, veggies, complex carbs, fruit, healthy fats. 3. Eat more! When you're eating wholesome, clean food, please do not feel you need to restrict yourself to 1200 calories. Calories cannot measure nutrients! 

Now here's a simple recipe I like to have. It's simple, fast, and delicious.

Chelsea Loves Pasta & Pesto

•  1 cup (or 3/4) of whole wheat or veggie pasta. Cook until ready.
• 1 half skinless chicken breast (season and cook to your liking-I use Mrs. Dash garlic & herb blend). Cut in small pieces before or after cooking.
• Hand full of grape tomatoes, halved. 
• Hand full of spinach.
• 1 tsp of basil pesto.

Mental Health

Binge. Eating "issue". Disorder. Therapy. Count calories. Don't count calories. Just stop already. Struggle. Weak. Uncontrollable. Addicted. Powerless. Triggers. Hopeless. Defeated. Worthless.

Screw that.

I had this thought a few months ago after a McDonald's binge episode that my journey didn't mean as much as those who don't binge. My success and my work wasn't up to par. After all, I was hindering any progress because of the choices I was making in that drive thru.

Bullshit.

I'm this weak creature that doesn't have control over what goes into my body 24/7. I give my all for days, eating clean and feeling great to only throw it away because I can't find the "urge" to say no. 

Ridiculous.

I'm addicted to food. It holds a power over me that sometimes I can't explain.

Accurate.

My head and body don't work together all the time. My body strives for progress and for changes, I feel it getting "bored" when I'm at the same place for too long. My mind tells me I want bad food. It says that fast food or sugar filled processed junk will make me feel better. The stress of work, life, relationships, dealing with death, and trying to have it all together all the time seems to disappear for those few moments that the sandwich, ice cream, candy bar touches my mouth.

I had my first counseling appointment yesterday. I'm sure as the week goes on, I'll piece it together more and more and certain things will stand out, but here is an overview of what I took away from the session and what I plan to keep in the back of my mind this week...just as a start.

• The times of my episodes happen(ed) when stress levels rise. When trauma happens, I give up completely on trying to prevent episodes. I close up and don't sort through the pain and issues. 
• When I feel stressed, I need to take a moment and remember a memory that has an emotional connection. An emotion that I find inspiring. I need to either sit, close my eyes, focus on deep belly filled breathes and place myself in the situation and scenery all over again. Example: the day I ran up the Hidden Trail behind my house in less than 15 minutes instead of walking it in 40 minutes. That feeling I got when I put my hands behind my head, closed my eyes, took deep breathes to give my lungs a little more life, and opened my eyes to see the river, houses, mountains, valley, and trees surrounding myself. The beauty that I found in that moment...a moment that can never be taken away from me.The moment I smiled when tears ran down my face because I was proud of myself.
• In a sense, my anxiety has lessened by a lot, but it has manifested to wanting to over eat. 
• When I want or get the idea to binge, the only thing that stops the thoughts is actually doing it. So, I'm going to try this instead: picture a new goal. A goal that will take a lot of hard work and dedication to accomplish. Something I may think I can't accomplish, but a goal that I have a passion to succeed at. Picture my surrounding, the feeling that could possibly come with it (lets face it, it will probably be 100 times better than what I think). Sit in that moment and realize that binging isn't going to help my goals. 

Some things that became crystal clear as I walked out of the session.

• This is mental. Time to strengthen my spirit, soul, and mind. 
• I'm no less than anyone else on a weight loss journey or living a healthy lifestyle. I'm simply having to focus on different aspects to make it all work. 
• I felt better saying everything out loud.
• I'm excited to challenge myself why being kind to my mind and body.

Have a great Tuesday! Make this week better than last!

Running Accomplishments & Finding Help

On Tuesday, I started to focus on running. I told a friend I would be running with her this year, and I made a promise to honor my friend/brother, Mamoru who is no longer with us on earth. He was one of my biggest supporters during my lifestyle change and in my everyday life, and I'm dedicating everything I do to "surprise myself" in his name. Every run, hike, milestone, accomplishment will have his name behind it. 

So, I started the week on Tuesday running 2 miles. I wasn't going for time, I just made sure I could run/walk do intervals for 2 miles. In different intervals I did 2 miles in 31:12. On Wednesday, I decided to go to 2.5 no matter what, but I wanted to see if I could beat my 2 mile mark and I also timed my first mile. I did a mile in 14:38 & beat my 2 mile time by 1:54. On Thursday, I decided to focus more on my arms. I did a circuit & then simply did a cool down walk at an incline. On Friday, I told myself that I wanted to beat my time of my mile of 14:38 because that wasn't good enough for me. I ran my warm up mile in 12:30 which shaved 2:08 off the previous one. Once I took the picture of the time, I thought to myself, 'you should run a 5k, see how it feels'. I hadn't ran/walked/jogged a 5k since October and I wasn't in shape like I was in October. I continued to run another 2.1 miles in 27:59. I had ran a 5k in 40.29. Is that good? It is for me!

I found myself sprinting at the end and hearing this voice in my head say, "You can do this, your lungs are fine, look ahead and run!" When I looked down and saw 2.09 I knew I did it. When I hit that stop button and put my hands on my head to continue my breathing, I started to cry while I was smiling. I had this sense of freedom from the thoughts of 'wow, a 5k the first week you're running, really?' or 'you should ease into this, take it slow'. I came back to the treadmill with the disinfectant spray and rag to wipe it down when the gentlemen next to me got my attention and extended his fist to congratulate me on my win against the voices in my head. 

With yesterdays win, I kept thinking of Mamoru and trying to wrap my head around that I will never feel his hugs or get a phone call from him. I had a friend say "Breathing feels weird when you miss someone so much". It's true. I sat on my couch last night, wrap up in a blanket, staring at his phone number in my phone, sobbing until I couldn't breathe. I let every emotion over-power my mental strength and I just cried until I had to gasp for air. What happened next, I know was a sign. I went to the bathroom to grab tissue and I stopped at the fridge, opened it, starred at the box of pizza my boyfriend ordered earlier and stood there until my eyes were dry. I watched myself grab the box and eat the entire content. I also saw myself crying, again after the binge. I closed the fridge and knew that it was my way of telling myself that the binge I was longing for wouldn't fix the emotional pain I was experiencing. 

What did I do? I drank another 24 oz of water and crawled in bed, said my prayers, and had a dream of running a marathon. All day I kept seeing that scenario play in my head and how it actually played out and I felt a sense of freedom and accomplishment. I made the decision that I will be seeing a counselor when school starts. There is a program on campus for students to discuss any eating issues. I need to focus on mental strength and knowing that I don't need to binge to overcome something painful. It's only harming me in another form.Running has been a saving grace for me this week. I am actually really excited to continue this journey. Of course, I'm still lifting and focusing on my overall goals, but I already see some definition in my stomach area that wasn't there on Tuesday and my legs seem stronger as well. Every time I've ran this week, I've felt a sense of relief or a wall break down; even relating to stresses at work, they seem to disappear and I'm able to mentally process the issues. Between seeing a counselor and running, I've got a pretty great therapy plan, I think. 

Today was my rest day, but I'm off to crawl into bed to prepare for a 2 hour workout with my good friend, Krystal at my gym in the morning. I'm excited to share with her some of my normal routine and just get some more exercise in. I'm feeling better than ever. 

xoxo