Mental Health

Binge. Eating "issue". Disorder. Therapy. Count calories. Don't count calories. Just stop already. Struggle. Weak. Uncontrollable. Addicted. Powerless. Triggers. Hopeless. Defeated. Worthless.

Screw that.

I had this thought a few months ago after a McDonald's binge episode that my journey didn't mean as much as those who don't binge. My success and my work wasn't up to par. After all, I was hindering any progress because of the choices I was making in that drive thru.

Bullshit.

I'm this weak creature that doesn't have control over what goes into my body 24/7. I give my all for days, eating clean and feeling great to only throw it away because I can't find the "urge" to say no. 

Ridiculous.

I'm addicted to food. It holds a power over me that sometimes I can't explain.

Accurate.

My head and body don't work together all the time. My body strives for progress and for changes, I feel it getting "bored" when I'm at the same place for too long. My mind tells me I want bad food. It says that fast food or sugar filled processed junk will make me feel better. The stress of work, life, relationships, dealing with death, and trying to have it all together all the time seems to disappear for those few moments that the sandwich, ice cream, candy bar touches my mouth.

I had my first counseling appointment yesterday. I'm sure as the week goes on, I'll piece it together more and more and certain things will stand out, but here is an overview of what I took away from the session and what I plan to keep in the back of my mind this week...just as a start.

• The times of my episodes happen(ed) when stress levels rise. When trauma happens, I give up completely on trying to prevent episodes. I close up and don't sort through the pain and issues. 
• When I feel stressed, I need to take a moment and remember a memory that has an emotional connection. An emotion that I find inspiring. I need to either sit, close my eyes, focus on deep belly filled breathes and place myself in the situation and scenery all over again. Example: the day I ran up the Hidden Trail behind my house in less than 15 minutes instead of walking it in 40 minutes. That feeling I got when I put my hands behind my head, closed my eyes, took deep breathes to give my lungs a little more life, and opened my eyes to see the river, houses, mountains, valley, and trees surrounding myself. The beauty that I found in that moment...a moment that can never be taken away from me.The moment I smiled when tears ran down my face because I was proud of myself.
• In a sense, my anxiety has lessened by a lot, but it has manifested to wanting to over eat. 
• When I want or get the idea to binge, the only thing that stops the thoughts is actually doing it. So, I'm going to try this instead: picture a new goal. A goal that will take a lot of hard work and dedication to accomplish. Something I may think I can't accomplish, but a goal that I have a passion to succeed at. Picture my surrounding, the feeling that could possibly come with it (lets face it, it will probably be 100 times better than what I think). Sit in that moment and realize that binging isn't going to help my goals. 

Some things that became crystal clear as I walked out of the session.

• This is mental. Time to strengthen my spirit, soul, and mind. 
• I'm no less than anyone else on a weight loss journey or living a healthy lifestyle. I'm simply having to focus on different aspects to make it all work. 
• I felt better saying everything out loud.
• I'm excited to challenge myself why being kind to my mind and body.

Have a great Tuesday! Make this week better than last!

Fighting a Funk.

Yesterday was a good day. I spent the morning and afternoon relaxing and of course cleaning house. For breakfast I made some scrambled eggs with venixon and diced tomatoes with fruit on the side. :) 

 

 

Yesterday's workout was awesome. Laura, her neighbor, and I went on a hour hike. We hadn't hiked that mountain in a couple of weeks I think so it definately was a good burn. I like how we didn't take but maybe 2 breaks the whole time. :) It was nice knowing that I could go up further and further without stopping. 6 weeks ago I had such a hard time hiking that mountain. After our hour hike we hung out for about 20 minutes until we decided to either do a circuit or some Zumba Dancing!!! :) In October/December when I was at my heaviest I did zumba as a warm up before my Jilian Michaels and let me tell ya...it was horrible!

 

Don't get me wrong, even now doing Zumba or Turbo Jam is tough because I feel so akward. I feel that my legs and arms are strong but my mid section is still not where I want it to be so I just have to push that insecurity out of my head and give it my all so that I get the most out of my workouts.

 

Here is the first one we did. I can't find the other three so tonight when I'm at Laura's I'll see what we did on her YouTube channel and post them! 

 

After the workout!!!

 

 

 

 

This weekend I've had a lot of people reach out and tell me that they love reading my blog. It surprised me becasue they were people I didn't know would ever find my rambling interesting, but I do want to say thank you.

 

My Instagram, blog, and Facebook page keeps me accountable and I wouldn't have been able to stay motivated some days without knowing that people want to hear about what I did for my workout or what recipe I tried. So thank you!!!!

 

On another note: I'm almost to my -20 lbs goal and then I plan on losing another 30 for a total of 50lbs. :) I obviously need and will lose more than 50, but when I hit my 50 mark I am going to give myself a makeover! :) My Aunt Sue and I have been talking about attending a spa once we both lose another 30 lbs. She has been doing fantastic on her journey and I can't wait until the weekend where we go to a spa and simply relax in all of our hard work.

 

I've definately been in a funk lately, not sure what it's about. I'm guessing some of the depression I fight without medication is creeping up on me or the simple fact that I miss my family and Keller. Who knows? Either way, I'm making a promise to myself right now that this week I will eat COMPLETELY clean, workout 6 days a week, & change my mind set with every new day. I've come too far to let fear, a funk, or myself stand in the way.

 

 

 

I'll try to post tonight after our workout. :) I also plan to start posting new recipes I try. I think this week I will try a Vegan Chocolate Mouse I found online. It includes DATES.....yuck!!!!! lol I know my sister, Julie would love it, so we shall see!

 

Thank you again everyone. 

-15, First Mini Goal COMPLETE!

I'm officially 227.2; meaning I've lost 15 lbs since April 6 and 23 lbs since October. :) I couldn't be happier! I feel that having small goals makes for some GREAT WINS! :D 

My next goal is to reach 212. Another 15 lbs. I know I can do it. 

Body shot with what I wore to work :)

Today I didn't workout...I know, I know..usually my rest days are on Saturdays, but I took it today to celebrate my accomplishment and spend time with my sister. :) 

Saturday I will workout!

Today, my sister, Aislinn and I went to Applebees for dinner. It was my first time ordering and eating out since April 6, and I think I definitely took the easy way out by ordering a salad but it was yummy so I can't complain! :) I drank two glasses of water before eating so I was feeling extremely full.

After we ate, we went to the mall to look at interview outfits (I have an interview next Tuesday). Before we could try anything on we went and got SPRAY TANS! 
Here's my white pasty self before the tan! 

 

I've never had a spray tan, so it was a nice treat and I defiantely liked it. I can tell I am getting some color already, but I know by tomorrow morning I will be able to tell more :) 
I think it's something I'll keep doing for a little treat to myself. 

Today I decided to do something besides focusing on the scale to make myself feel great. I tried on a pair of pants I bought last weekend at a yard sale. These athletic pants are a size LARGE. Pants like that I typically would wear a EXTRA LARGE and even then they would start to look transparent because of house much they stretched (So embarrassing).  They fit and they weren't see thru either! I was thrilled. I love these pants and they are so cute. I also noticed a little butt in them! :) I don't have a butt (FLAT NATIVE BUTT PROBLEM) so to see that all the squats I'm doing is paying off is so exciting. 

Anyway, until tomorrow! Goodnight all!