All Things Emotional

I'm on this crazy roller coaster and I'm not sure when it will truly end. Some say, "the day your baby is born, everything makes sense". Then I hear these horror stories of women who are more emotional after birth and even YEARS after they have children. There's one thing I've accepted and have found to be true and I'm not even at the "end point" yet. I will never be the same. I'm not talking about the constant desire to throw up when I smell something besides peppermint oil, my changing body, or the simple feeling I have deep down in my soul that my life has a much bigger, scarier meaning. I'm really talking about all aspects and I can't describe the fear, anxiety, or excitement that comes with the realization that I may forget who I am today in 3 years. I've fought so hard to find who I am today and I've worked my butt off to find confidence and self love. My identity is wrapped up in what I've learned about myself; the good and bad. So...in 3 years, I may forget who I am today, and will I like who I am then? These are scary and emotional thoughts that go through my head while I'm at work or laying in bed at night. I know, I should be more productive; tell it to the kiddo making me exhausted and emotional.

Speaking of self love and confidence. There's something that women talk about and are oddly, pretty open about during pregnancy. Their changing body. It's clear that swelling takes place, growing in all directions seem to sprout after every meal, and the fact that recovery may take a lot of time. I'm currently having the hardest time right now. It started a couple months ago and I hope that it doesn't last until March, but it could continue until after baby. You see, when I was 250 lbs, I was self conscious--I didn't want to wear cute stylish clothes because I didn't have the confidence to pull of the style or trend. When I was heavier, I was closed off to different experiences because I felt like I didn't match what I felt like underneath. Sounds weird, right? My personality had to change and become timid because I was afraid of embarrassing situations that would arise because of my weight. When I lost almost 90 lbs...I became free. This confidence returned, I remembered it when I was an early teenager. The old Chelsea came back and I was more likely to try new experiences because I felt strong, confident, empowered.

15 weeks

These days, I'm still sick...yes, you heard me. Almost 18 weeks pregnant and I'm still sick if not every day, every other day. (I recently just had two glorious days of no symptoms besides exhaustion and I was on cloud nine). You're welcome to leave a comment on what worked for you, but I can bet money that I've tried it and it might have worked for a day or two, but no more. Being sick these days, I haven't been able to workout. I do walk or take the stairs more often and do some prenatal yoga on the occasion I feel well enough to simply get my heart rate going. I have often thought maybe I am feeling like I'm getting bigger and bigger because I miss the gym? That could be part of it, truly. Let me explain something; I used to focus on a number on a scale. It is what motivated me to lose my first 50 lbs and then it became this unhealthy habit that I had to destroy. So, I started ignoring the number. When you're pregnant, everything is about numbers, levels, and panels. Although I told myself and my midwife that I plan on following her advice about weight gain (if I were to start gaining rapidly), I wasn't going to stress until she brought it to me as a concern. We agreed and she was quit happy to hear that. Here's the truth...I've lost 15 lbs (was 17) since June 29. Yes, it's because I'm sick and it could be partly muscle, I understand that. However, it looks good on the charts, so I kept telling myself "you're doing okay, you're fine." The truth? Just like when I was losing weight and my body would look smaller and there was NO change on the scale...it's the same when you're pregnant...only OPPOSITE. There hasn't been a change in the scale yet my body doesn't look like mine. Okay, I take that back. It looks like the old, overweight Chelsea...almost. There is a cute bump and I can see my hips are changing as well, but my body just...doesn't feel like mine.

16 Weeks

I found myself comparing myself to women on Instagram or even I know in real life who are or have been pregnant. On Instagram I have this guilty secret of looking at all the pictures with the hash-tag "#17weeks", "#16weeks" just so I can compare and look at other women's growing bellies. That's pathetic, right? I think it is because I never compared my weight-loss journey to anyone else. I never compared my body to another womans when I was changing my lifestyle. I was PROUD of my body and posted it all over Instagram as a place to record my progress and show women they could do it and that they didn't have to be shameful of being overweight, extra skin, or fading stretch marks. So why is this so hard for me to embrace this beautiful life growing inside of me; that just so happens to make the world "ooh" and "ahh" over?

17 Weeks

This may make some people really mad or you may think I'm a self centered brat who needs to be grateful for the gift I have. I'll say this once, and if you don't like it...move on, please. I am so thankful for what God has given me, but this gift doesn't come without many emotional, mental, and physical barriers that I'm supposed to learn how to climb. I truly believe all of this is just prep work for becoming a mother. If you've been in my shoes, I'm glad you can relate. If you enjoyed every moment of your pregnancy and felt like a sexy cheetah on the prowl...I'm so incredibly happy for you. Any secrets you want to share? PG13 appropriate, of course. 

I don't have an insightful, beautiful message to myself and other women who are struggling with the same issues as a closing. But, I plan in the next coming weeks to seek my heart, mind, and ask God for guidance and peace. Then, I'll be sure to post my realization or the process of how I've come to embrace just this tiny piece of the puzzle. Trust me, I'm a first time mom and I've never had so many thoughts, emotions, fear, questions, uncertainties. I'm hoping to be able to share them with whoever takes the time to read this, and maybe also have this beautiful journey of a story to share with my child one day. I'm sure he/she will be aware of the emotional and erratic mother they were assigned to, so there won't be much surprise. Baby, I do love you and love that you're this strong and captivating presence in my life already and I'm excited to meet you. Don't ever doubt the love I have for you. No matter how down I'm feeling or sick I am, when I feel those tiny flutters, I smile and try to trace your movement.

I'm sure you'll hear from me in 13 days...when I found out if Baby Wayne is a little girl or boy. Until next time, be kind to one another & compliment each person you meet with a smile.

xoxo

Baby Wayne, Due March 3, 2015.

For those who aren't on my Facebook, Instagram or simply follow this blog. First, I apologize for not updating it in MONTHS. I had a very busy spring with school, running, workouts, and settling into what I thought would be a glorious summer vacation.

Jake & I are expecting our first child.

I started my summer vacation by continuing to bike to work, workout, and enjoy freedom from classes while planning my sister's baby shower.

My sister's baby shower was June 21, and it was so much fun filled with lots of love. We knew Noah wouldn't be waiting until his July 14 due date to make his entrance into the world. Momma was WAY too tired & uncomfortable at her shower. 3 days later, I got the call she was in labor and on June 25, he was born at 5 lbs 7oz. Pure perfection.

What the rest of the world didn't know was, Noah was already going to have a cousin. I had just shared with my close family and best friend(s) that I was expecting my first child. Holding Noah, something changed inside of me. I knew that I was months away from feeling those emotions and fear my sister just experienced and I knew the joy she had holding her son would soon be mine. It was overwhelming. (Puking moments before this photo made it that much more real).

I should have noticed something was different while I hosted her baby shower, because I just wasn't my usual self. If it wasn't for my flu like symptoms, I probably would have gone a couple extra days feeling out of sorts without an explanation. Yes, my life was so busy at that time I didn't realize my period was late. 

I kept the news very quiet besides very close family and a few close friends. I have PCOS and although I got pregnant, that didn't mean I'm automatically having a healthy and problem free pregnancy. With the realization of having my first child in God's plan & timing and not mine, I kept my emotions very streamline until I knew I was in a safe zone. 

I don't regret not getting excited until recently, because it's how I handled the change. I was very fearful that I would experience a heart break that I've seen my own sister experience last year. Fear consumed me, but I know deep down that all of those prayers and all of those nights planning certain things in my head...that was my excitement & hope. 

TRUTH:

I don't enjoy pregnancy so far. Yes, I know every pregnancy is different and every woman is different. It's great that your sister's best friends, cousins, sister felt immediately better on her 12th week of pregnancy. Good for her! I love that you never had any pregnancy symptoms with both of your children, I think that's so incredible. More than anything, I love that every person will say the second trimester gets SO MUCH better. 

The reality for ME....none of it's true. I'm 15 weeks and since about week 5, I've been getting progressively worse...or at least constant. I've felt sad for myself, mad, frustrated, mentally unstable (think...ready to admit myself to hospital until I stop puking unstable). I've gone through the emotions of being so mad at my body that I just didn't leave my bed for days. I've spent probably hundreds of dollars on products, home remedies, vitamins, ect to see if they would make things better. I kept these things secret because I felt like I was already failing as a mother and I hadn't even met my child. I felt like I was being a horrible woman for stating that I hated being pregnant because I know women in my daily life that WISH & PRAY for this miracle and I'm taking it for granted. Weeks later, I've come to terms with something and I will advocate & stand up for myself no matter what. 

I hate the symptoms that are associated with this pregnancy, but I love the miracle that's happening within my life. 

I can only imagine how I'll forget about the morning sickness, hospital visits, crazy body changes, ect when I met my child, but until then...I'm going to allow all those emotions to come and I will remind myself every time I get frustrated that I'm a part of something MUCH bigger than I could ever imagine. 

I'm 15 weeks & in just 30 days, Jake and I will find out if we are going to have a daughter or son. (Man, I can't wrap my head around saying that). 

On the workout/health/fitness side of things....I have not worked out since about June 20th. Seriously. I know, I'm going insane. I've had a couple of times were I did a few things here and there, but immediate felt ill. I'm listening to my body. I'm trying my best. My nutrition is alright, I'm pretty much eating what will stay down. I've lost 17 lbs since I first found out I was pregnant. My doctor isn't concerned because my levels are really great and I have a healthy & very active baby. 

Once I can function without throwing up or wanting to faint, I will absolutely be back in the gym! After all, I will be one FIT Momma! 

I know this doesn't explain or even begin to summarize my summer and my pregnancy so far, but I'm hoping to keep this blog updated more often to keep my Facebook use down to minimum. 

Baby Wayne is one love, adored, supported, and wanted child of his parents, family, friends, and God. March 3, 2015 needs to hurry, but I'm patiently waiting.