All Things Emotional

I'm on this crazy roller coaster and I'm not sure when it will truly end. Some say, "the day your baby is born, everything makes sense". Then I hear these horror stories of women who are more emotional after birth and even YEARS after they have children. There's one thing I've accepted and have found to be true and I'm not even at the "end point" yet. I will never be the same. I'm not talking about the constant desire to throw up when I smell something besides peppermint oil, my changing body, or the simple feeling I have deep down in my soul that my life has a much bigger, scarier meaning. I'm really talking about all aspects and I can't describe the fear, anxiety, or excitement that comes with the realization that I may forget who I am today in 3 years. I've fought so hard to find who I am today and I've worked my butt off to find confidence and self love. My identity is wrapped up in what I've learned about myself; the good and bad. So...in 3 years, I may forget who I am today, and will I like who I am then? These are scary and emotional thoughts that go through my head while I'm at work or laying in bed at night. I know, I should be more productive; tell it to the kiddo making me exhausted and emotional.

Speaking of self love and confidence. There's something that women talk about and are oddly, pretty open about during pregnancy. Their changing body. It's clear that swelling takes place, growing in all directions seem to sprout after every meal, and the fact that recovery may take a lot of time. I'm currently having the hardest time right now. It started a couple months ago and I hope that it doesn't last until March, but it could continue until after baby. You see, when I was 250 lbs, I was self conscious--I didn't want to wear cute stylish clothes because I didn't have the confidence to pull of the style or trend. When I was heavier, I was closed off to different experiences because I felt like I didn't match what I felt like underneath. Sounds weird, right? My personality had to change and become timid because I was afraid of embarrassing situations that would arise because of my weight. When I lost almost 90 lbs...I became free. This confidence returned, I remembered it when I was an early teenager. The old Chelsea came back and I was more likely to try new experiences because I felt strong, confident, empowered.

15 weeks

These days, I'm still sick...yes, you heard me. Almost 18 weeks pregnant and I'm still sick if not every day, every other day. (I recently just had two glorious days of no symptoms besides exhaustion and I was on cloud nine). You're welcome to leave a comment on what worked for you, but I can bet money that I've tried it and it might have worked for a day or two, but no more. Being sick these days, I haven't been able to workout. I do walk or take the stairs more often and do some prenatal yoga on the occasion I feel well enough to simply get my heart rate going. I have often thought maybe I am feeling like I'm getting bigger and bigger because I miss the gym? That could be part of it, truly. Let me explain something; I used to focus on a number on a scale. It is what motivated me to lose my first 50 lbs and then it became this unhealthy habit that I had to destroy. So, I started ignoring the number. When you're pregnant, everything is about numbers, levels, and panels. Although I told myself and my midwife that I plan on following her advice about weight gain (if I were to start gaining rapidly), I wasn't going to stress until she brought it to me as a concern. We agreed and she was quit happy to hear that. Here's the truth...I've lost 15 lbs (was 17) since June 29. Yes, it's because I'm sick and it could be partly muscle, I understand that. However, it looks good on the charts, so I kept telling myself "you're doing okay, you're fine." The truth? Just like when I was losing weight and my body would look smaller and there was NO change on the scale...it's the same when you're pregnant...only OPPOSITE. There hasn't been a change in the scale yet my body doesn't look like mine. Okay, I take that back. It looks like the old, overweight Chelsea...almost. There is a cute bump and I can see my hips are changing as well, but my body just...doesn't feel like mine.

16 Weeks

I found myself comparing myself to women on Instagram or even I know in real life who are or have been pregnant. On Instagram I have this guilty secret of looking at all the pictures with the hash-tag "#17weeks", "#16weeks" just so I can compare and look at other women's growing bellies. That's pathetic, right? I think it is because I never compared my weight-loss journey to anyone else. I never compared my body to another womans when I was changing my lifestyle. I was PROUD of my body and posted it all over Instagram as a place to record my progress and show women they could do it and that they didn't have to be shameful of being overweight, extra skin, or fading stretch marks. So why is this so hard for me to embrace this beautiful life growing inside of me; that just so happens to make the world "ooh" and "ahh" over?

17 Weeks

This may make some people really mad or you may think I'm a self centered brat who needs to be grateful for the gift I have. I'll say this once, and if you don't like it...move on, please. I am so thankful for what God has given me, but this gift doesn't come without many emotional, mental, and physical barriers that I'm supposed to learn how to climb. I truly believe all of this is just prep work for becoming a mother. If you've been in my shoes, I'm glad you can relate. If you enjoyed every moment of your pregnancy and felt like a sexy cheetah on the prowl...I'm so incredibly happy for you. Any secrets you want to share? PG13 appropriate, of course. 

I don't have an insightful, beautiful message to myself and other women who are struggling with the same issues as a closing. But, I plan in the next coming weeks to seek my heart, mind, and ask God for guidance and peace. Then, I'll be sure to post my realization or the process of how I've come to embrace just this tiny piece of the puzzle. Trust me, I'm a first time mom and I've never had so many thoughts, emotions, fear, questions, uncertainties. I'm hoping to be able to share them with whoever takes the time to read this, and maybe also have this beautiful journey of a story to share with my child one day. I'm sure he/she will be aware of the emotional and erratic mother they were assigned to, so there won't be much surprise. Baby, I do love you and love that you're this strong and captivating presence in my life already and I'm excited to meet you. Don't ever doubt the love I have for you. No matter how down I'm feeling or sick I am, when I feel those tiny flutters, I smile and try to trace your movement.

I'm sure you'll hear from me in 13 days...when I found out if Baby Wayne is a little girl or boy. Until next time, be kind to one another & compliment each person you meet with a smile.

xoxo

Baby Wayne, Due March 3, 2015.

For those who aren't on my Facebook, Instagram or simply follow this blog. First, I apologize for not updating it in MONTHS. I had a very busy spring with school, running, workouts, and settling into what I thought would be a glorious summer vacation.

Jake & I are expecting our first child.

I started my summer vacation by continuing to bike to work, workout, and enjoy freedom from classes while planning my sister's baby shower.

My sister's baby shower was June 21, and it was so much fun filled with lots of love. We knew Noah wouldn't be waiting until his July 14 due date to make his entrance into the world. Momma was WAY too tired & uncomfortable at her shower. 3 days later, I got the call she was in labor and on June 25, he was born at 5 lbs 7oz. Pure perfection.

What the rest of the world didn't know was, Noah was already going to have a cousin. I had just shared with my close family and best friend(s) that I was expecting my first child. Holding Noah, something changed inside of me. I knew that I was months away from feeling those emotions and fear my sister just experienced and I knew the joy she had holding her son would soon be mine. It was overwhelming. (Puking moments before this photo made it that much more real).

I should have noticed something was different while I hosted her baby shower, because I just wasn't my usual self. If it wasn't for my flu like symptoms, I probably would have gone a couple extra days feeling out of sorts without an explanation. Yes, my life was so busy at that time I didn't realize my period was late. 

I kept the news very quiet besides very close family and a few close friends. I have PCOS and although I got pregnant, that didn't mean I'm automatically having a healthy and problem free pregnancy. With the realization of having my first child in God's plan & timing and not mine, I kept my emotions very streamline until I knew I was in a safe zone. 

I don't regret not getting excited until recently, because it's how I handled the change. I was very fearful that I would experience a heart break that I've seen my own sister experience last year. Fear consumed me, but I know deep down that all of those prayers and all of those nights planning certain things in my head...that was my excitement & hope. 

TRUTH:

I don't enjoy pregnancy so far. Yes, I know every pregnancy is different and every woman is different. It's great that your sister's best friends, cousins, sister felt immediately better on her 12th week of pregnancy. Good for her! I love that you never had any pregnancy symptoms with both of your children, I think that's so incredible. More than anything, I love that every person will say the second trimester gets SO MUCH better. 

The reality for ME....none of it's true. I'm 15 weeks and since about week 5, I've been getting progressively worse...or at least constant. I've felt sad for myself, mad, frustrated, mentally unstable (think...ready to admit myself to hospital until I stop puking unstable). I've gone through the emotions of being so mad at my body that I just didn't leave my bed for days. I've spent probably hundreds of dollars on products, home remedies, vitamins, ect to see if they would make things better. I kept these things secret because I felt like I was already failing as a mother and I hadn't even met my child. I felt like I was being a horrible woman for stating that I hated being pregnant because I know women in my daily life that WISH & PRAY for this miracle and I'm taking it for granted. Weeks later, I've come to terms with something and I will advocate & stand up for myself no matter what. 

I hate the symptoms that are associated with this pregnancy, but I love the miracle that's happening within my life. 

I can only imagine how I'll forget about the morning sickness, hospital visits, crazy body changes, ect when I met my child, but until then...I'm going to allow all those emotions to come and I will remind myself every time I get frustrated that I'm a part of something MUCH bigger than I could ever imagine. 

I'm 15 weeks & in just 30 days, Jake and I will find out if we are going to have a daughter or son. (Man, I can't wrap my head around saying that). 

On the workout/health/fitness side of things....I have not worked out since about June 20th. Seriously. I know, I'm going insane. I've had a couple of times were I did a few things here and there, but immediate felt ill. I'm listening to my body. I'm trying my best. My nutrition is alright, I'm pretty much eating what will stay down. I've lost 17 lbs since I first found out I was pregnant. My doctor isn't concerned because my levels are really great and I have a healthy & very active baby. 

Once I can function without throwing up or wanting to faint, I will absolutely be back in the gym! After all, I will be one FIT Momma! 

I know this doesn't explain or even begin to summarize my summer and my pregnancy so far, but I'm hoping to keep this blog updated more often to keep my Facebook use down to minimum. 

Baby Wayne is one love, adored, supported, and wanted child of his parents, family, friends, and God. March 3, 2015 needs to hurry, but I'm patiently waiting. 

Too Much Passion?

If you're reading this you're either subscribed or you saw me post the link on my personal Facebook page. 

I want to start by addressing something that I'm sure many of you have thought or mentioned to your friends. 

You're annoyed at all the fitness related posts on my personal facebook page, right? My check-ins at the gym, motivational/inspiring pictures found off Pinterest, my progress pictures, talking about how much I love my new workout routine, or tagging all my friends about a FREE boxing class here in town.

I totally get it. When fitness/healthy eating was the last thing on my mind, it annoyed the crap out of me too. I hated it. But guess what? Every person I knew in that journey and who posted about it, inspired me in one way or another. They gave me ideas of different workouts, possiblibities, and their positivity was this "thing" I wanted to be a part of. I was just too lazy and not ready to start my own journey. 

I really have tried to downsize the amount of fitness related posts I post on Facebook. I try to stick to my Instagram (there's no way I'll ever downsize that, so get to stepping if you don't like that!). I enjoy facebook because a lot of friends and family from all over the world is on there and that's how we all know what's going on in one another lives.

While I will continue to not post as many fitness related posts, you have to understand one thing: I'm passionate. It's my life now. This isn't just a month or two where I want to "lose 5 pounds and tone up". This way of life is MY LIFE. I thrive and my happiness comes from my workouts, my clean eating, and making friends with the same common goals and interest. My support group here in Missoula, my friends who go to boxing classes with me or to the gym, they are a large part of my life. They are supporting me in my efforts to see what I really can do with my life. We support one another. So, I really don't want to say "if you don't like it, unfriend me", but the reality is...I will post about my life, and my life is different than it was a year ago. I would hope that my true friends and family would like to see me evolve and morph into this better version of myself. 

Those of you who tell me how great it is to see me posting about it and inspiring you, thank you for reminding me that sometimes when you better yourself, there's a chain reaction for those around you. I appreciate you & love you for that. 

Now, moving on to th fun/challenging week that I had.

If you haven't noticed by my facebook or Instagram posts, I FREAKING LOVE BOXING!!! I go to Title Boxing Club in Missoula & have been lucky to attend the past couple of weeks on a free 2 free week voucher I got for running in the Diva Dash a few months back. I'm not competing to hopefully get a 3 free month membership by donating a lot of canned food items. 

The workout is called "Power Hour" and it's exactly a hour with 15 minute "warm up" which makes you want to slightly dry heave or die. Then there are 8 rounds of 3 minute sessions on the bag focusing on combos, speed, power, etc. Then the last 15 minutes is your ab/core workout. My first time was intimidating but positive, and now I'm addicted. I love the full body workout you get, the staff, and the results! I burn over 700 calories per hour at the classes, which is unbelievable! 

Here is a picture of just 10 days between each side. I did my fasted cardio 3 times a week and then adding more boxing into the mix. 

November 1-November 11.

I'm hoping to continue to take advantage of free classes or hopefully win a free 3 month membership! :) It's a little out of my budget right now, but if I am able to buy a few months down after the new year, I definately will. 

The ladies I go to boxing with our some of my favorites. Having met new friends through this sport, I'm so thankful! 

This week I did take 2 rest days, back to back which isn't like me but I took my normal rest day on Tuesday and then Wednesday I came home and had a mental/emotional breakdown. I just feel like I've focused so much on work, my workouts, and meal prepping that I am completely scattered at home. So, I stayed home and got things in order and plan on finishing some house cleaning and organizing today. 

On Thursday, I went to the Women's Club here in Missoula with Alesha, just to try it out as her guest for a week. It was a great workout and again, meeting a new friend, Rachel was great! I'm so excited to continue to workout with these ladies and motivate one another. I've used Instagram for so long and the Facebook group made by Amber and I, that I forgot that if you look hard enough, you can find some awesome people right where you are!

I hope you have a great weekend, and stay active! This week and weekend I'm going HARD because my best friend, Chelsea is coming to town & I want to go out and have a good time! I'm already excited about staying motivated during my break for Thanksgiving and going home. Already have some workout buddies planned back home! 

XOXO

A Mental Shift Changed My Life

Here is a rant: I hate when people ask me what my "secret" is. Seriously? There is no secret. It's the same thing every single person who sees lasting results does! I don't use pills, mixes, or wraps. Honestly, the biggest and best thing that happened that can be praised for my results is a mental shift! 

I was talking to Laura before our first hike and I was completely honest as to why I wanted to lose weight. 

• Be confident
• Feel great in any piece of clothing
• Be a mom in the future
• Hike mountains & camp
• Run for cancer, not walk, but RUN 
• Inspire people

Talking to her, I knew none of those things would happen if I kept my life style and habits the same. So, from our first hike on, I let any embarrassment or reservations about self confidence aside and pushed to do what had to be done! Every small result kept me going and pushing until I reached my next one.

Now, I know that I post A LOT of pictures especially comparison pictures but yes, they keep me accountable. This is a journey that I want to document. I am gaining more than muscle and the fact that I'm losing weight. I'm gaining confidence, strength, and self esteem. 

Now here are some pictures and stories for the day! 

I cannot believe that I'm actually getting a waist line. I know I still have a long way to go, but I'm excited to see where I'll be at the end of the summer! 

L: October 31. R: Today. 

 For breakfast, I was in a hurry and ate: a string cheese, hard boiled egg, and part of a grapefruit. 

My allergies were a lot better today! 

For lunch I had a chicken salad and some broccoli. 

Afternoon snack: Apple, less than 2 tsp of natural peanut butter, a little drizzle of honey, and topped with granola with almonds. 

 I ran a mile before our actual workout. 

Our workout consisted of the following:

Each exercise Jillian demonstrates, we did 20 times X3. 
20 push ups X3
15 standing rows X3
20 squats X3
50 donkey kicks on each leg X3
20 scissors on each leg X3

For dinner: a couple pieces of deer backstrap, half of a tiliapia, lettuce, light cheese and just a drizzle of ranch, with corn. 

This is what it looks like when you're getting low on groceries. Can't wait to go shopping next week & stock up! :) Either way, I try to be as healthy as possible by not buying boxed items or processed foods. 

I'm so excited to see what this week has in store! I think I might limit to how much I post this week. If I feel the need to rant or ramble, I will, but I need to focus on my workouts and eating right. I would LOVE to have an extra 30-60 minutes a night to do nothing. Haha. But we shall see, I might end up blogging every night like usual. 

Well, I'm off to enjoy my night! 

Tan, Confident, Proud, Strong, Vulnerable, Motivated, and Courageous

I woke up this morning tan. No, not just a little color, I am SUPER TAN! I like it. I enjoyed the spray tan experience, but I definitely think I'll try the beds out and see how I like that. :) I learned that all those girls that I've known that tell me "a tan will make you feel like a million bucks" were RIGHT! It just makes you feel like a new and improved woman.

Tan Chelsea! :) Haha.

 

 

Today's workout was a good circuit. :) Laura and I always have a great time working out. It's fun to hang out with your friend and be able to do something together that improves and enhances each of ya. :) 

I did sweat a lot and loved the cardio. I feel that the workouts are getting to the point where I'm not as confused and questioning myself. Laura pointed out that my rows have much better form so that was nice, because I have been practicing at home :) 

Laura introduced me to a Kelly Clarkson song, which I couldn't believe I hadn't heard yet, because Kelly is my favorite!!! 
It's called "People Like Us". She had me listen to the lyrics quit a few times haha. She wasn't allowing me to workout without listening to the words. I understand why she wanted me to pay attention....

Please listen to it! :) 
 
It did hit a home run with me. I was holding back tears while we were doing squats. It doesn't just talk about people who fight from nothing and who work to be better and more, but it also talks about a unity...a friendship. 
This song will be my anthem and it will be the anthem of my friendship with Laura and any other people on this planet who are fighting, struggling, working their asses off, and overcoming obstacles! All of you know that you aren't alone! You have me! 

People like us need to stick together! :)     

After workout. :) We always do a cool down walk after our circuits.

 On our walk, Laura and I were talking and I really appreciate when she tells me the changes she has noticed and how proud of me she is. :) I know I'm doing this for me and only me, but I definately know that having a friend to keep accountable with is also a reason to keep pushing. :)

So, Laura offered to do my nails, and I of course took her up on that offer! She does some great gel nails! 

I guess I "wiggle" worse than a child and can't sit still. LOL. 

 

 

 After she did my nails, she took progress pictures (I was in shorts and a sports bra) Not only was that a big step for me, but like I joked with Laura "our friendship reached a new level" haha. Trusting your fitness buddy is a huge deal! :) LOVE YA LAURA!

Because I've lost 15 pounds, I have technically lost 1.5 inches on my body. Yay! 

Laura also took my measurements. Every month, on the 9th we will be taking pictures and taking measurements. I'm so excited to see some of the results.

Laura told me I am "blooming" and I would have to agree. I encourage anyone who is just starting their journey to try with all of their might day after day because eventually, it will all come together and you'll be so proud of yourself! 

I'm off to bed! :) It's almost 1 am and I have work tomorrow. 
XOXO.    
  
 

Day of Reflection

Today was any other Monday; busy, long, and drawn out. 

Today's hike was higher and longer than usual! YAY!

Props to Laura, who wasn't feeling good at all but still pushed!! She ran, packed kids, and killed it.

At the top!!!

WHOOO HOOO! Good hour and a half hike up and half hour hike down!

Left: October. Right: This past weekend. 

 It's so hard to post this but this is my motivation...

I'm so tired, I'm off to bed. 

xoxo

Solid Sunday

This morning, the scale went down one more pound! So, I definitely think that my body is leveling out from my period. Total is -11.2 lbs I made a pretty good breakfast of egg whites (with a little bit of cheese on top) two veggie patties, and strawberries. Yummy :)

 

  

 I spent the afternoon cleaning house and just relaxing. I have pretty packed work weeks, so the weekend is where I can just be lazy! During the week, I barely watch t.v because I get up around 7, have breakfast and get ready to be at work by 9 and then work til 5:30. Then from 6-8 is usually workout time. I come home and make dinner and then relax until bedtime around 11.

Here is a pic of lunch! :) I had tilapia, a salad, and mandarin oranges. 

Here is my pre workout snack! I usually stay away from fruits after lunch, but it was so HOT out today that fresh fruit just sounded soooo refreshing! 

For my workout I did the following:
3x 10 arm rows with my 20 lb kettle bell
3x 10 elevated push ups
3x 10 squats with 20 lb kettle bell (lifted above head on upward motion)
3x 10 squats without weight
3x 60 second donky kicks (each leg)
3x lunges up and down the yard to make 1    
3x running in place for 60 seconds
3x jumping jacks for 60 seconds

Then I did a cool down walk around the neighborhood. 

This was today's gym!!! :D

 

For dinner I had chicken tacos in lettuce wraps and roasted red potatoes. I went up for seconds...haven't done that in a while. I'm going to make sure I really watch my portions this week. Today I felt like it got a little out of hand, so tomorrow I plan on drinking more water and really killing my workout. 

Here is my dinner:

  

While I started writing this, I went and got a new blender off of craigslist, because mine broke a couple of weeks ago! YAY for being able to make protein shakes again!!! haha. Easiest breakfast sometimes! 

Well I'm off to shower, make tomorrow's lunch and snacks and crawl into bed. Tomorrow is another day and I will succeed at eating clean and working out! 

  

Ending the day on a VERY good note! Put on some shorts that I couldn't fit into a couple of weeks ago :) Plus my legs are looking great, if I do say so myself! So happy!

Tough Days

This is hard. 
It's the hardest thing I have ever had to do. 
It's harder than moving away from home, two states away. 
It's harder than leaving my best friend, my mom to take care of my two sisters while I was selfish and pursued my goals.  
It's harder than a break up, a recent break up. 

It hurts more than the monthly cysts I use to get from my PCOS.

I knew it wouldn't be easy, I knew it would take a lot of hard work, but I never thought it would be this big of a challenge. 

I know I'm doing great and I'm making progress, so I don't focus on the negatives, but there are some days where I CANNOT believe how bad I let this get! I get so mad at myself for allowing my depression, PCOS, and just blindness to take over. 

Today was tough. It was probably the one day in almost 4 weeks where I just didn't want to do anything! I didn't want to take the effort to eat clean or go hike. I didn't want to drink all my water. I wanted to just stay in bed. I know this is probably coming from my depression that I fight WITHOUT anti-depressants, but it's still a weird feeling. 

I want to and WILL make my -15 goal I have, and the drive in me is so deep and strong that my feelings of today really threw me off. 

So what I'm focusing on is: I DID EVERYTHING...even when I didn't want to. I ate great (had pasta for the first time in almost 4 weeks), went for a hike, did squats, and drank LOTS of water. I did it all...even when my mind was saying "Fuck it". 

Tomorrow is my last day to workout before I hit the scale on Saturday. I'm slightly worried about what it will say, but either way, this week I've accomplished a lot mentally and physically. I have done back to back circuits. Yeah, I felt like I was dying in the ccircuits, but I still finished them. Whatever happens Saturday morning, I will feel great :) 

Here are some pictures of today. 

Dinner: Whole wheat, thin pasta with chicken and red sauce, a salad, and corn from the can (I know, I know...but I'm running out of groceries!)

Coming down from the hike. I took a small water break at the switch back and then did 40 squats.

At work. Hair is growing!! :)

Lunch! Turkey burger, a salad with lean turkey on it and good ol water! :D

This is it. This is what I've been thinking about all week. Almost there! :D