Be Your Own Inspiration

Over the course of 2 years, I've built up this fear of the gym and haven't stepped foot in one since June 21, 2014.
If you asked me before June 21, 2014 if I'd step away from the gym for that long, I would have laughed in your face. I was in the gym every single day or outside running/hiking. It was my therapy.

With a pregnancy that consisted of me puking daily and having no energy, it was put on the back burner. Then the birth of my daughter happened and single motherhood began. Shortly after that, postpartum depression and anxiety hit me hard. I faced demons I didn't know existed.

So, now that I've made such amazing progress in therapy and see myself as the person I want to be instead of who I am compared to who I was--I'm getting ready to sign up at the gym this week.

I've been sitting here for the past few nights thinking about my goals and what I'm going to do in the gym when I go in for the first time. I am scared shitless. Because I'm this person I'm not used to and I'm appalled that I'm nervous. Then, I remember all of those people 3 years ago that would tell me that I was an inspiration and that I helped them.

BOOM.

THERE.

IT.

IS.

That's why I did what I did. That's why I'm nervous. That's why I'm dreading this.

I let those people down. I didn't stick with it. I should have tried harder. I should have helped them still, and inspired them.

See, this is where my therapy comes into play.

I experienced abandonment and loss and entered into a new life I knew nothing about. There is no good or bad way to approach that. I might have let those people down. But there are women out there with feelings and thoughts that mirror mine and someday, they will hear my story and say "You inspired me". And as much as I love to hear that, I'm going to know I inspired myself and I saved myself first and foremost.

So, to keep it short and simple this evening. Do not do anything but to please and better yourself. Others will see you shine and see your passion. If you keep others in mind while you act, you will lose yourself.

Lets do this for ourselves, because if we do-our kids will have us around much longer!

All In or All Out: BALANCE

I'm the definition of "all in or all out." I've struggled my whole life with finding balance in my life. In every aspect, I will either focus too intently or not care enough. I think it's because I'm passionate and have a lot of self control when I focus my time.

So...balance? What is that? What does it feel like? I'm sure it's those people in magazines or on tv shows that are super happy and content in life because they've achieved the ultimate balance in life. I'm totally kidding. But, that's what I associate balance with. Or, at least until recently.

Over the last year, I've struggled with Postpartum Depression, impulse to drink more than I normally do, and severe anxiety. My first step was stop going out a couple times a week to the bars. It was too much and I was becoming the one person I swore I broke the cycle against. I cut out alcohol unless it was at a restraunt and I limited myself to one drink. I think my anxiety used alcohol as a relaxer.

I eventually discovered Minimalism and purged my home of all items that served no purpose or brought joy. This helped my anxiety so much. This is an on going lifestyle and it has many meanings to each individual. I'll be sure to create a post about it sometime.

Once I was able to sit in peace and happiness in my home-I knew I needed to focus on my mental health. I reached out to other moms in my area and was recommended a therapist who focuses on the transition into motherhood. I started attending session in July. Best.Decision.I.Ever.Made.

Because of therapy and the fight in myself, I re-evaluated areas in my life that I wasn't fully happy in. Work became a large topic booming over my head. I loved my job in the sense that the students I worked with always seemed to be appreciative and they made it worthwhile. But I am also working toward a degree in Native American Studies/Anthropology and as an Admissions Coordinator, how would I utilize that degree? I was feeling stuck and needed more. I wanted to be excited to go to work-which realistically, I know it's how life works every single day. But I was having more "I don't want to go to work" days than I was having days I wanted to go into the office. Minimalism taught me to search for the joy and let go of the things that were holding me back. So, I did that.

At the beginning of November 2016, I applied for a different position. I didn't think I would get a call back, but I wanted to start the process of looking. By December 2, I was interviewed and offered the job. Shit got real, really fast.

Having been at my job for a month now, I'm extremely happy and since switching jobs, something switched inside of me. I'm making better choices, walking more, and taking time for myself. With the New Year in the rear view mirror, it was easy to start fresh and focus on weight loss.

So, here I am two weeks into 2017 and I'm finding that I don't have to cut out carbs to lose weight. I don't have to restrict myself to 1200 calories a day. I don't have to eat the same thing over and over.

I'm living life as a busy, working student mother and still eating healthy. Balance is 2017's goal. Balance ultimately is the goal of motherhood.

2017

It's almost been 2 years since I gave birth to my daughter.
It's been almost 2 years since I knew the old me.
I lost myself for a while, Postpartum Depression is a bitch.

But, I decided when I saw that some of the weight was back (more than half of it)--it was time to do something. I want to be a healthy mother for my daughter and I want my strength and drive back.

Since July of 2016, I've been in therapy addressing my Postpartum Depression and transition into motherhood. I've made huge leaps in mental health care so it's time to take charge of my health and physical well being.

I figured, it's a great time to get this blog back up and going.

Let's do this.