Mental Health

Binge. Eating "issue". Disorder. Therapy. Count calories. Don't count calories. Just stop already. Struggle. Weak. Uncontrollable. Addicted. Powerless. Triggers. Hopeless. Defeated. Worthless.

Screw that.

I had this thought a few months ago after a McDonald's binge episode that my journey didn't mean as much as those who don't binge. My success and my work wasn't up to par. After all, I was hindering any progress because of the choices I was making in that drive thru.

Bullshit.

I'm this weak creature that doesn't have control over what goes into my body 24/7. I give my all for days, eating clean and feeling great to only throw it away because I can't find the "urge" to say no. 

Ridiculous.

I'm addicted to food. It holds a power over me that sometimes I can't explain.

Accurate.

My head and body don't work together all the time. My body strives for progress and for changes, I feel it getting "bored" when I'm at the same place for too long. My mind tells me I want bad food. It says that fast food or sugar filled processed junk will make me feel better. The stress of work, life, relationships, dealing with death, and trying to have it all together all the time seems to disappear for those few moments that the sandwich, ice cream, candy bar touches my mouth.

I had my first counseling appointment yesterday. I'm sure as the week goes on, I'll piece it together more and more and certain things will stand out, but here is an overview of what I took away from the session and what I plan to keep in the back of my mind this week...just as a start.

• The times of my episodes happen(ed) when stress levels rise. When trauma happens, I give up completely on trying to prevent episodes. I close up and don't sort through the pain and issues. 
• When I feel stressed, I need to take a moment and remember a memory that has an emotional connection. An emotion that I find inspiring. I need to either sit, close my eyes, focus on deep belly filled breathes and place myself in the situation and scenery all over again. Example: the day I ran up the Hidden Trail behind my house in less than 15 minutes instead of walking it in 40 minutes. That feeling I got when I put my hands behind my head, closed my eyes, took deep breathes to give my lungs a little more life, and opened my eyes to see the river, houses, mountains, valley, and trees surrounding myself. The beauty that I found in that moment...a moment that can never be taken away from me.The moment I smiled when tears ran down my face because I was proud of myself.
• In a sense, my anxiety has lessened by a lot, but it has manifested to wanting to over eat. 
• When I want or get the idea to binge, the only thing that stops the thoughts is actually doing it. So, I'm going to try this instead: picture a new goal. A goal that will take a lot of hard work and dedication to accomplish. Something I may think I can't accomplish, but a goal that I have a passion to succeed at. Picture my surrounding, the feeling that could possibly come with it (lets face it, it will probably be 100 times better than what I think). Sit in that moment and realize that binging isn't going to help my goals. 

Some things that became crystal clear as I walked out of the session.

• This is mental. Time to strengthen my spirit, soul, and mind. 
• I'm no less than anyone else on a weight loss journey or living a healthy lifestyle. I'm simply having to focus on different aspects to make it all work. 
• I felt better saying everything out loud.
• I'm excited to challenge myself why being kind to my mind and body.

Have a great Tuesday! Make this week better than last!

Pause or Plateau? Exhausted or Excuses?

I have discovered this new "phase"...yes, lets call it a "phase". Phases end, right? Anyway, this new phase began as an innocent weekend of fun with friends. You know, bars, bad food and even worse breakfast food the next day. I told myself: 1. You don't go out a lot so you deserve to have fun. 2. You won't gain all the weight back in a weekend, you're 21, so don't act like you're 80. I had a great weekend with friends, especially my best friend who came into town from Iowa.

The following week was the week I left on Wed for Washington to spend time with family for Thanksgiving. I refused to buy groceries to put in my house to have most of them go to waste. (I haven't learned how to buy less than 7 days worth of food). 

Before & During.

Just like everyone else who celebrate holidays, I continued to make poor choices when it came to food. It wasn't completely horrible, but definitely not as clean as it should have been. I told myself that life is about adjusting and not worrying during a time that's supposed to be happy and filled with memories. 

Progress is progress. No matter what.

To be completely honest, I had a hard time staying on track because I've been struggling financially; along with the rest of America, I'm sure. I know it isn't impossible to eat clean or make smart choices on a low budget, but I didn't take the necessary steps like meal prepping or planning meals. 

I've had a couple of victories through the last 3 weeks. I've learned a lot about what I care about and what no longer takes up my concentration and focus. 

I can eat bad food in front of people, instead of binging. 
I know that my body responds better to clean food. 
Alcohol makes my stomach hurt; the sugar content in some drinks puts me in so much pain.
Too much bread in a week causes for major bloat and gluten belly. 
I no longer care about the scale; I measure success by visual improvements and clothes. 
My confidence was still high; even without working out and eating clean.  

I'm excited to continue this beautiful journey. My soul has transformed so much; there's no way I'll be stopping, ever. 

New "before" pictures. Next pictures will be on my 22nd birthday.

 I'm now working toward feeling AMAZING on my 22nd birthday! I know the past 3 weeks have put me back a little, but I am going to work hard to feel AMAZING on my birthday. Last year, I didn't take a full body shot photo because I was so embarrassed; no more of that!

New hair. Love going red! :)