"You're a control freak"
"You're all about control"
I've heard those phrases for years and each time, a negative, guilty, and angry feeling swept over me. I didn't feel like I was a control freak. I like structure. I like to plan. I worry about the future from time to time. I'm set in my opinions and thoughts yet I believe in keeping an open mind IF communication is done effectively.
Having Laurel, it's made me really reflect
on the control topic. I have a daughter Im entirely responsible for, who depends on me, and who is supposed to protect her. Doesn't that mean I need control? Maybe, maybe not. But I have it, because I have to. I can't rely on someone else to do those things for me.
After a great talk with a dear friend of mine this weekend, it left me thinking about regaining power and control. Yes, regaining control. Could all of those years of coming off as needing and wanting control actually be true? Possibly.
Maybe I would hold onto certain, unimportant things and want control over them, because I felt so out of control in my life? More specifically in my relationship. Maybe I focused too much on the little things because I wasn't ready to face the bigger thing (my unhappiness)...so it made me look crazy and it made me act crazy.
I'm actively working daily on regaining control and learning who I am. I know who I am in certain areas but what if I discover who I am outside of a relationship and those areas change? That's the scariest part. But what keeps me going is the beauty of making daily choices without putting someone (other than my daughter) before me and catering to them first and foremost. I would go without because I was wanting to make someone else so happy. When I say happy I mean I did everything and gave everything and got nothing back, and I accepted it. After time I stopped hoping I would get something back, even emotionally. It became extremely lonely and I felt like I was losing control over myself and my ability to teach the person how to treat me. I essentially taught them it was okay they treated me poorly and take and take while I gave everything I had. That left me empty handed and mentally struggling...so if I could get a little control over the structure of every day life, I would feel a little better and more whole, right? Wrong.
I was driving yesterday and the thought of me transforming into a new person or who I truly am makes me smile. I'm going to go through these moments of reflection and then put things to work in my life where I'll be transformed. I am so excited to one day meet a man who will appreciate me and cherish me all because I'll know my worth first. Anything less than that, I'll know he isn't the one. I won't wait for someone to "discover" my worth and what I have to give. I now know, if a man doesn't see that from the beginning...he isn't right for you. More importantly, I'll be listening to God and trusting His timing. (I'll get into that post a little later...a whole other topic).
To sum all of this up, Laurel will learn and know what I didn't. After all, everything I do from now on is for her. I'm happy to go through this for her benefit.
Speaking of Laurel, someone is ready to eat and be cuddled. Until next time.