Today's workout was hard. It was hard physically and mentally. Honestly, I know it was more mental than anything else because I wanted to cry and I typically don't want to cry unless I can't express or comprehend how I feel. We (Laura, Jason, and I) did 45 pushups (easy part of the workout) and then decided to run up the mountain we hike in Bonner.
Once we started getting going, I realized AGAIN how big I still am even though I feel great and feel like I've improved soooo much! I was reminded of my stomach, my thighs, my knees that ache from time to time, my lungs being weak, and my mental state of "Fat Chelsea". That's exactly what the issue was I felt HUGE. I felt horrible. For the first couple of minutes I was saying "Come on Chelsea, just do your best. You can hike this easy and you can also run...just give it your all".
I'll be honest, yes, I tried and I did run even as my legs were burning and my knee was like "wtf?" and my lungs felt like they were collapsing. I don't know why I got so defeated, but I guess I just thought my body could do a little more and of course do it a little better.
I'm really proud and impressed by Jason though. He pushed and ran straight to the top. Laura hung back with me when I needed a walking break. I seriously can't wait until no one has to wait or slow down for me.
So, yeah, the workout was though and it didn't leave me with ALL positive feelings but I like that my legs are still sore and that I know I had a good sweat. And, next time, I'll try harder...and give it my all. And eventually, I'll get there. I need to remember I still have so much more weight to lose and I still have so much further to go on this journey.
So, on a positive note. I woke up this morning and walked by the mirror to see someone I haven't seen in a while. Given that I was in all black and in spandex...but I felt like I looked different just a little bit more "healthier". I would have never taken a picture in a tank top and spandex shorts 6 weeks ago but because I felt awesome this morning, I DID!!!
I also was looking through my pictures from when Laura and I first started hiking and look what I found--the picture on the left and today is the picture on the right. I know the standing position is different & my clothes are different, but still...
I have a lot to be proud of, even on days like today where I feel like I took a couple steps back. I'm living a life that many don't make the choice to live. I'm determined and have showed so much dedication that I can't give up. I won't give up. (I love how this is turning into a little pep talk to myself. Haha).
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll give it my all. I'll make it different from today. I won't allow myself to beat my mind down by calling myself fat or HUGE again.
We all have demons...every single day. It just so happens that mine showed themselves today.
