Body Reservations

If you follow me on Instagram, you probably have seen a lot of my skin. Haha. My Instagram was originally just a personal account for random pictures and selfies, but 3 months ago I decided to use it as a way to document my progress and struggles. It helps keep me accountable and allows me to be inspired by others that I follow. 

It was really hard for me to post my first "before" picture and show the world how big I really had gotten. But with supportive followers, growing self confidence, and having pictures to show progress I was able to face the world. 

I have had a lot of people comment "wow, you're so brave to post this picture", "you go girl, no many people can share their body when they don't like it", "you're so inspiring to embrace what you're doing fully". 

Guess what? I'm not brave. I'm doing what I have to do to remind myself how far I've come and that I DO have what it takes to reach my goals. There was a day where I lifted my shirt and saw a difference from back in April and all reservations about my "fat" body was gone. I had improved a lot for 3 months. I was proud of that. Every 208 lbs of it, I was proud because I had come a long way since 242. 

So, in honor of not having reservation about my body, I posted my second "bare skin" picture yesterday on Instagram. Since I shared the 30 day challenge with you, I figured I would post a before picture. Here is my "before" on July 1, 2013.

 Can you believe that I'm proud of that?!?

I already know that my "after" picture is going to show progress at the end of the month and I'm so excited. 

Yesterday was day 2 of the challenge! I haven't been doing situps since I started working out because I always thought of them as "useless". I do know that I'm feeling the small amount I've done in my abs so that's good. I just have to remember to use correct form so my back and neck aren't strained.

After my workout :)

Now, I want to touch base on something that is a bit more "personal". It isn't directed toward any one person, however I'm sure a few people will be able to relate and hopefully understand my mental state. 

Now, I know how annoying it can be for friends and family when someone they know goes on a "health kick". I know that I can only talk about fitness for the majority of conversations. When people ask me "what's new?" My response, "Oh nothing, just working out, working on my time for my mile run, doing strength training circuits, managing macros". But for those of you who are annoyed by your "health kick" friends, here is something to understand: a schedule is put in place when someone is serious about their health. Partying and lounging around isn't a main priority. My days are very much a like (with of course the events of hanging out with friends or doing stuff around town to get out of the house). I get joy and excitement out of doing a new workout and pushing my body to a new goal. But, with my 9-5:30 office job, working out, meal prepping, and making sure I have a somewhat organized house I don't do much unless it's on the weekends. I like investing in myself during everyday of the week. 

By investing in myself it also means that I don't put myself in a situation where I'm encouraged or pressured into going out to dinner a few times a week or having a drink every single night. I know what my body needs and wants and for me to reach my goals, all of those "luxuries" are very limited. I don't deprive myself by any means but I also don't indulge every night so then I'm feeling horrible and it takes twice the time to make a goal I've put in front of me.

I knew that by changing my interests, goals, and priorities I would most likely either lose or distance myself from friends. At first I thought it wouldn't happen, but then I found that for certain occasions, it might be necessary. Now, I know that my "real" friends will understand and support me, but it doesn't make the decision any less hard for me. I know people probably think that I'm judging them because they decide to get a fat hamburger with fries while I order a garden salad and low carb pasta. 

Guess what?! I don't judge anyone by their eating habits. The only time I will argue and maybe make any kind of comment is when someone says they can eat anything and everything and still be thin. People may think that and bless their fast metabolism, but just because you aren't getting "fat" doesn't mean that your body is being nourished properly.  

The truth is, I'm focusing on JUST ME! I don't take the time to worry about others and what they eat unless they reach out and would like ideas, advice, or help. I'm not doing this to know more, or be better than anyone but who I was 3 months ago. 

So, with that being said, I want to apologize to anyone who has felt or maybe that I made them feel that way. I'm changing a lot and I do have different interests. I will occasionally go out to meet up with friends for a drink or maybe dinner, but it won't be something I can or will do a lot of the time. If anyone wants to go hiking or running, or even workout together, just let me know! I'm finding myself so interested in physical activities that I won't turn them down!

Now, I found this little quote online yesterday and even though I'd like to think I don't have haters, here is a reminder for those of us who sometimes feel that there are people are just can't seem to get over their issues when it comes to YOU or others around you!

Determined, Friendly, and Courageous.

I'll be honest, I'm currently fighting back tears typing this. It's funny because I haven't really sat down and cried in almost 3 months. Before I started working out and eating clean, I would literally cry at EVERYTHING! I would have small little break downs probably twice a week. I would think about something, focus on it for a long time and eventually my emotions would take over. I've always been an emotional person, I joke and say "I get it from my momma". She is probably the most emotional human being on the planet, but her heart is the size of Texas, so for that I envy her.

But as of lately, I have noticed I haven't sat down and really "cried my eyes out" in almost three months. I would like to give credit to the Vitamin B Complex I take daily. It really is better than any anti depressant, mood stabilizer, or big piece of pie that I used to use to make myself happy. Lately, the few times I have cried was out of sadness (leaving home from vacation, watching my sister graduation, etc). So, to my surprise when I read a posting from Dannii Martin ( a blogger from the UK who has lost 98 lbs and has kept it off for nearly 2 years s) I found myself crying I had a "Why the heck are you crying!" moment. 

Dannii posted on her Facebook challenge page "Today's task is to think about yourself more positively. Start off with "I am" and then follow it with 3 positive words to describe yourself. I will start - I am ambitious, honest and loyal. Go!"

Now, this simple act of self reflection has now caused me to blog and get a bit emotional. Why? Because my 3 words are, "dedicated, friendly, and courageous". When I came up with the word "dedicated" I immediately went back to April 6. I remember the conversation I had with Laura on our first hike. I chose to hike behind her and her daughter, because at 242 lbs, I was having a hard time breathing, I was embarrassed, and I just didn't want anyone to "see" me like that.

I remember Laura started talking about her struggle and her journey. I listened and realized, she was there one, she was doing exactly what I was doing. She was out of breath, she was embarassed, she struggled. But she did it. Then, immediately after, I remember thinking "but she has self control. she's dedicated." So out loud I said, "I'm just not dedicated. I have zero self control." 

Looking back, honestly, I think that was the moment I had the mental shift. I admitted to my fault, I admitted to what I felt was the reason I had let my health become so poorly. I knew I had control and dedication in other areas of my life, but why not my health? In the moments following that, I became mad. I remember getting mad when I felt like my lungs weren't getting air. I was mad that I was going so slow. I decided that day to find, make, or train myself to have self control. 

Since that day, almost 12 weeks ago, I haven't really come back to that thought until today. Dannii's post made me revisit that. And even though the past 3 months have gone by so fast, and I am still changing and growing every single day, and today was a big moment for me. Because I'm proud to say that I'm dedicated. I'm proud to say that I have self control. Yes, we all cheat and we all indulge, that's healthy. I told myself I would indulge in the sake of my sanity. But, I have self control. I'm controlling my body. I work out 6 times a week, I prepare healthy, clean meals. I drink a gallon of water a day, I make time for myself. I always think about what's going into my body. 

I can't express the amount of pride I have right now. Yes, I've lost weight and inches in the past three months. I fit into old clothes, my "fat clothes" fall off of me. But, more than all of those victories, I'm proud of myself. I have faith in myself and my abilities better myself. Today was a HUGE emotional/mental win for me. 

Click here for Dannii's blog information. Also, if you'd like to join her group on Facebook, they are doing a 100 days of summer challenge. It has thousands of people who are encouraging each other, from all over the world.

The Numbers....April 20, 2013

I'm practically having anxiety as I type right now. I'm a very quiet person when it comes to my weight, and for so long I've been embarrassed to even "hint" at what I could weigh. I know that if I want to be held accountable and reminded of my weekly progress and even inspired to work harder, putting these numbers up every week is what I need to do. 

I told myself that if people following my blog are taking the time to read everything, I better put it ALL out there. 
 

I weighed in on April 6, with an empty bladder, so every Saturday that's when I weigh in.

I was just keeping track of the numbers on my "notes" on my phone. The following week, I weighed in again and the number was going down a bit! :) 

Here is this morning's number....from the scale itself. 

I hope you can see the numbers...it says 233.8. Next week I'll take a better pic of the scale. 

 

 

 

I see these numbers and I'm so ashamed, ashamed that I let my weight get this bad...I know at one point I just decided to ignore it. I chose to blame it on my PCOS. I know getting PCOS was a large part in the weight gain, but I shouldn't have allowed the illness to take over. I should have tried harder to prevent the weight from adding on. 

But, instead of beating myself up, I'm going to continue to work as hard as ever and make those numbers keep going down each week. I'm glad I decided to do this at 21, instead of 40 or 50. 

Thank you all who have encouraged, supported, and wrote amazing messages on here and on Facebook through this very vulnerable time. I appreciate you all! :)