National Eating Disorder Awareness Week

Today starts the week of being aware, educated, and inspired. "Everybody knows somebody" is the theme this year for the National Eating Disorder Awareness Week. 

Do you know someone who struggles with body image/ personal love that leads to an altered/unhealthy relationship with food. Or maybe someone who has an addiction to food that leads to guilt and body issues? 

Me. 

I'm a binge eater. I hear people tell me that it could be worse. I agree, but don't let that fool you to think that I'm healthy and fit all the time. I still struggle every single day with having to make the right choices and not let my emotions and stress/anxiety triggers take over. I know my issues are severely caused by emotional/mental hurdles and I'm making the necessary steps to process. 

My journey started with weight loss, to look and feel healthier. I started with small goals in mind and even a couple of long term goals. I wanted to work toward a body that can lift heavy, keep up with high intense situations, and allow me to do things I've never done. In all of those outward-body related goals, I rejected to make mental hurdles. I feel slightly stunted in my mental/emotional strength. It's a work in progress, every single day. 

Now, my goals is body image and self love. How can we change the way we view ourselves? Do we start with making the rest of the world see us in a different light, or do we simply embrace our bodies and disregard others? Both sound almost impossible. People will think what they want about me and my body. I'm sure when I reach my long term goal, people will have negative things to say, and I'm okay with that. The thing is, I'm not staying constant-I'm striving to evolve daily and become a better version of myself as time continues on. 

We need to STOP pointing out our negatives or flaws. We will always wish and want what we don't have. (That's another topic in itself...to be continued). Instead of hating the bodies we do have, why don't we look ourselves in the mirror (naked if you are willing) focus on three positives (shoulders, length of legs, clear skin) and thank your body for all it has done so far. Now, start by enhancing or focusing on what you like to take it to "the next level". Example: I love my legs. Bigger or not, I love my legs and know that they can be defined and toned. I dedicate 2-3 days a day in the gym focusing on different leg workouts to strengthen and improve them. 

I see so many people say, "If you don't like what you have, change it!". To an extent, I completely agree, because I know it can be done. However, it's a scary thought and sometimes can be too hard to imagine. So, instead of focusing on a negative and working to change it completely; I really like focusing on what I already love and watch "it" change/improve to "wow" myself even more. 

Slowly but surely, you will find it in yourself to trust and love your body enough to change any "problem areas". My stomach is ALWAYS my main concern, but I don't do 3 hours of cardio a day to make it go away. I know that's unrealistic. I work toward lessening my body fat, however, my legs changing and my skin becoming more clear really makes me fall in love with my body overall. 

I hope this gives a small insight to how I slowly started to regain love for my body and the love I found when I realized what I could accomplish by working hard and eating clean, wholesome foods. This is what we should focus on every single day, but I encourage you to try wholeheartedly this week while people are recognized for their recovery, and while others find the strength to reach out for help.

When it comes to food I have a couple of simple tips: 1. Cooke with color! Have fun with food by adding in various colors. 2. Balanced meals should contain lean protein, veggies, complex carbs, fruit, healthy fats. 3. Eat more! When you're eating wholesome, clean food, please do not feel you need to restrict yourself to 1200 calories. Calories cannot measure nutrients! 

Now here's a simple recipe I like to have. It's simple, fast, and delicious.

Chelsea Loves Pasta & Pesto

•  1 cup (or 3/4) of whole wheat or veggie pasta. Cook until ready.
• 1 half skinless chicken breast (season and cook to your liking-I use Mrs. Dash garlic & herb blend). Cut in small pieces before or after cooking.
• Hand full of grape tomatoes, halved. 
• Hand full of spinach.
• 1 tsp of basil pesto.

Tough Love

No one is too good for a little tough love. No one is perfect, and everyone deserves to be able to look in the mirror and see a real, raw reflection. It's the best way to push forward. Everyone; even myself.

This week was horrible. Hell, I feel like this month has been horrible. I might be having a few moments of harsh criticism right now, but that's okay. I can't keep allowing to tell myself "it's just one more binge, it's just one bad meal". Yes, it's not horrible, but I'm not putting my knowledge and will power to the best use possible. I'm not the person I was a few months ago. I've changed and I'm so confused.

I think since September, I've lost a side of me that I fought to find. Once grief and loss struck, I gave a piece of me up. I thought that pain could drive me...push me harder, but really...I've continued to sink lower and lower in this pit of confusion. I'm depressed, that's clear. I feel blessed and know I've been giving it effort, but lets face it...life sucks sometimes. There's no reason for some things and that's the hardest thing to accept. I walk thru my daily schedule worried about losing people I care about. I need to enjoy them NOW! Not worry. I need to practice being mindful and being present right NOW! 

Damnit, I have goals to meet and records to break. I have Bloomsday to run; right beside my friends. The same friends who have picked me up and held me high while I was at my lowest. The same friends who have fought the same fight I have (sometimes facing harder times) and are still standing. So why do I feel like I need to be babied or need more time?  I have mountains to climb this summer and clothes to wear that I've never warn before. Why am I lacking in this confidence and drive? 

I need that voice and that person I was when I came down off of that mountain almost a year ago while my legs were shaking and my lungs were begging for air. I need to hear myself say "you did it, you can do it again tomorrow". I need that person who sat, starting a blog with the realization that she finally had a voice. A voice that finally said she had will power and determination. I need to show people that yes, sometimes you fall and or stay at the same level for a LOOONNNGGG time but that growth doesn't take place. That growth takes place in challenges, while you're at your lowest, striving for your best. 

Tomorrow, I'm starting the fight all over again. I'm starting from scratch and I will find that girl and her loud voice, again. I will find them and hold on to them. I won't back down.

Mental Health

Binge. Eating "issue". Disorder. Therapy. Count calories. Don't count calories. Just stop already. Struggle. Weak. Uncontrollable. Addicted. Powerless. Triggers. Hopeless. Defeated. Worthless.

Screw that.

I had this thought a few months ago after a McDonald's binge episode that my journey didn't mean as much as those who don't binge. My success and my work wasn't up to par. After all, I was hindering any progress because of the choices I was making in that drive thru.

Bullshit.

I'm this weak creature that doesn't have control over what goes into my body 24/7. I give my all for days, eating clean and feeling great to only throw it away because I can't find the "urge" to say no. 

Ridiculous.

I'm addicted to food. It holds a power over me that sometimes I can't explain.

Accurate.

My head and body don't work together all the time. My body strives for progress and for changes, I feel it getting "bored" when I'm at the same place for too long. My mind tells me I want bad food. It says that fast food or sugar filled processed junk will make me feel better. The stress of work, life, relationships, dealing with death, and trying to have it all together all the time seems to disappear for those few moments that the sandwich, ice cream, candy bar touches my mouth.

I had my first counseling appointment yesterday. I'm sure as the week goes on, I'll piece it together more and more and certain things will stand out, but here is an overview of what I took away from the session and what I plan to keep in the back of my mind this week...just as a start.

• The times of my episodes happen(ed) when stress levels rise. When trauma happens, I give up completely on trying to prevent episodes. I close up and don't sort through the pain and issues. 
• When I feel stressed, I need to take a moment and remember a memory that has an emotional connection. An emotion that I find inspiring. I need to either sit, close my eyes, focus on deep belly filled breathes and place myself in the situation and scenery all over again. Example: the day I ran up the Hidden Trail behind my house in less than 15 minutes instead of walking it in 40 minutes. That feeling I got when I put my hands behind my head, closed my eyes, took deep breathes to give my lungs a little more life, and opened my eyes to see the river, houses, mountains, valley, and trees surrounding myself. The beauty that I found in that moment...a moment that can never be taken away from me.The moment I smiled when tears ran down my face because I was proud of myself.
• In a sense, my anxiety has lessened by a lot, but it has manifested to wanting to over eat. 
• When I want or get the idea to binge, the only thing that stops the thoughts is actually doing it. So, I'm going to try this instead: picture a new goal. A goal that will take a lot of hard work and dedication to accomplish. Something I may think I can't accomplish, but a goal that I have a passion to succeed at. Picture my surrounding, the feeling that could possibly come with it (lets face it, it will probably be 100 times better than what I think). Sit in that moment and realize that binging isn't going to help my goals. 

Some things that became crystal clear as I walked out of the session.

• This is mental. Time to strengthen my spirit, soul, and mind. 
• I'm no less than anyone else on a weight loss journey or living a healthy lifestyle. I'm simply having to focus on different aspects to make it all work. 
• I felt better saying everything out loud.
• I'm excited to challenge myself why being kind to my mind and body.

Have a great Tuesday! Make this week better than last!

Personal Trainer Melt Down

Lets play catch up real quick.

Two or three weeks ago, I got a membership at Missoula Title Boxing Club. I had gone for 3 weeks in November and honestly loved the workouts and the results I saw. I was hooked, so I made the investment. It isn't just the results, it's the desire and passion to get up and go every day...what else could I want?

I decided I wanted to FINALLY jump into the idea/plan of getting a personal trainer. I took classes from almost every trainer at the gym and decided that Rachel would push me yet be someone I could lean on when things seemed to get tough. Support & tough love are a must during this journey. Trust me :) 

Krystal & I after one of first 5:30 am workout classes!

So, I got a trainer, sent her information about me & on Tuesday February February 4 I had my consultation and first session. I hadn't worked out in almost a week and the weekend before was my birthday weekend. I knew I'd struggle because what she was going to have me do was probably stuff I hadn't done before. 

I listened, paid attention, and did work. I laughed, wanted to vomit, winced, pushed a little harder, almost gave up, and soaked in all the information she was giving me during sets. I was drenched in sweat and my body was trembling. I hadn't done weights in weeks (focusing on running time to time and skipping some workouts). It was a great eye opener. Now, what I'm going to explain...has taken me almost a week to TRY to put into words. I don't feel as embarrassed to share it with you because I had a friend tell me that it's completely normal and that she's done it from time to time. And thinking back, I've had this happen before but it smaller magnitudes.

When we finished my training session, my legs were shaking and my heart was racing and I couldn't run out of the building fast enough. I felt this sense of embarrassment but I couldn't figure it out? I was changing my shoes and my body was screaming for me to get out of the building. I needed to be alone. I felt embarrassed, but I kept telling myself 'you just did something that you would have never even thought of doing a few months ago'. I was talking down my mind but my body was screaming at me. Yes, I had just pushed it pretty hard so I was just trying to calm down. When the cold air and snow hit my face, I couldn't stop the tears. I fumbled with my keys, sunk into my car ,and sobbed while my body just shook.

I started my car and Katy Perry's song "Roar" came on and I continued to cry. I mean the kind of cry where there was snot rolling down my face into my mouth, mascara completely ruined, and abs hurting crying. Once I wiped my eyes dry, I started laughing. About absolutely nothing. After about 20 minutes of sitting in my car, I drove home. I had to remind myself to pay attention to what I was doing because I found myself going "blank" every couple of minutes. I was exhausted in ALL aspects. 

I thought I was having a break down, and felt SOOO silly but after thinking about it; I think it comes down to three things. 

1. What I'm doing in my life to better myself is VERY spiritual and emotional. I'm becoming in-tune with parts of my body, soul, and mind that I never knew existed. I'm learning something new about myself every single day. After almost a year, I'm still about to surprise myself every single day and that's the most gratifying and rewarding feeling ever.
2. I've started another Point A. I always LOVE tracking my progress by pictures and small goals and reaching them. I've put another "Point A" on my map. I've started a VERY big chapter by adding in more strength and having advice and support from a professional. I can ONLY become better from here on out! 
3. I am proud. I'm becoming the person I want and know I can be. I am proud that I'm able to push a little harder and that I can ignore that voice in my head that tells me to give up. I worked past that voice that day and my body realized that it's capable of so much more than my mind knows!

"Goals to Meet & Records to Break"

With my success of running on Friday and my emotional/mental victory I felt like a new woman! I knew my weekend would be very relaxed and full of activity to ensure that I "meet my goals and break records". 

Saturday was rest day! Boo ya! 

On Sunday, my friend Krystal and I went to my gym and had a 2 hour session of a full body workout. We did a 30 minute circuit ranging from burpees, squats, weighted squats, arm (focusing on triceps), and donkey kicks. Then, we spent a good hour on different machines focusing on legs and arms. We did 15 of the the heaviest weight we could tolerate, then 10 of the weight below X3. Then, we got on the treadmill but my shins were on fire, so I spent 20+minutes on the stair stepper while Krystal did intervals on the treadmill. We finished with 10 minutes in the sauna. Boy, did I feel it this morning! 

 This morning, (Monday-three day weekend!) I made 2 eggs with 7 grain oats (oatmeal) with a half a frozen banana and some dark chocolate peanut butter in it for some fuel before I headed to the gym. Once I got to the gym, I decided that no matter what I would be doing 40+ minutes on the treadmill. Once again, the shin splints came back. I decided to increase the incline and decrease the running speed so that it was a constant jog or power walk. I felt pretty good! I got to the point of realizing it didn't matter if I couldn't run, as long as I was sweating! I am looking into actual running shoes that are for my type of feet (I think some extra arch support while running will help). 

Morning Workout.

 I went home and put a whole chicken in my crock pot so I could have some delicious chicken for the week & had lunch. It was so beautiful out, I'm limiting how I describe the beauty because it's the end of January and it's like it's April out...I don't want to jinx it!

Haha. Anyway, I told myself I would go back to the gym to do weights but realized I was pretty sore from the day before and I didn't want to be inside. I headed out to the Hidden Trail behind my house! It's the trail/mountain that started it ALL! 

It was the first workout I did on April 6 and it was a "beast" that I had to battle time and time again. I found determination and passion on that trail and it's why I am the the person today! My first hike, it took me nearly 45 minutes to hike up the trail because of having to stop and having an anxiety attack every 10 minutes because I was telling myself I couldn't do it. Today, I ran up the trail in less than 15 minutes. I stopped, enjoyed the view, and did some stretching before I made my way back down. How amazing? I'm not going to talk about how out of shape I was or how sad I was 70+ lbs ago, because I'm so damn proud of what I did that day. I didn't give up and I kept going back. I'm only getting better! 

Tomorrow starts another work week, but I'm positive I'll make it to the gym each night like I did this last week. I'm so excited to see my transformation and journey continue. I've felt in a rut for months, still making small steps, but the reality is...this is life. I won't reach a goal weight and stay there just because. I will have to work at this for the rest of my life, but the differance between who I was months ago and who I am today, I'm okay with that! I'm excited to live a healthy life for years to come and find myself "surprised" by accomplishments I make each day. I always say that you need to surprise yourself in order to see change and progress! 

Have a fab week everyone, will update soon! 

Running Accomplishments & Finding Help

On Tuesday, I started to focus on running. I told a friend I would be running with her this year, and I made a promise to honor my friend/brother, Mamoru who is no longer with us on earth. He was one of my biggest supporters during my lifestyle change and in my everyday life, and I'm dedicating everything I do to "surprise myself" in his name. Every run, hike, milestone, accomplishment will have his name behind it. 

So, I started the week on Tuesday running 2 miles. I wasn't going for time, I just made sure I could run/walk do intervals for 2 miles. In different intervals I did 2 miles in 31:12. On Wednesday, I decided to go to 2.5 no matter what, but I wanted to see if I could beat my 2 mile mark and I also timed my first mile. I did a mile in 14:38 & beat my 2 mile time by 1:54. On Thursday, I decided to focus more on my arms. I did a circuit & then simply did a cool down walk at an incline. On Friday, I told myself that I wanted to beat my time of my mile of 14:38 because that wasn't good enough for me. I ran my warm up mile in 12:30 which shaved 2:08 off the previous one. Once I took the picture of the time, I thought to myself, 'you should run a 5k, see how it feels'. I hadn't ran/walked/jogged a 5k since October and I wasn't in shape like I was in October. I continued to run another 2.1 miles in 27:59. I had ran a 5k in 40.29. Is that good? It is for me!

I found myself sprinting at the end and hearing this voice in my head say, "You can do this, your lungs are fine, look ahead and run!" When I looked down and saw 2.09 I knew I did it. When I hit that stop button and put my hands on my head to continue my breathing, I started to cry while I was smiling. I had this sense of freedom from the thoughts of 'wow, a 5k the first week you're running, really?' or 'you should ease into this, take it slow'. I came back to the treadmill with the disinfectant spray and rag to wipe it down when the gentlemen next to me got my attention and extended his fist to congratulate me on my win against the voices in my head. 

With yesterdays win, I kept thinking of Mamoru and trying to wrap my head around that I will never feel his hugs or get a phone call from him. I had a friend say "Breathing feels weird when you miss someone so much". It's true. I sat on my couch last night, wrap up in a blanket, staring at his phone number in my phone, sobbing until I couldn't breathe. I let every emotion over-power my mental strength and I just cried until I had to gasp for air. What happened next, I know was a sign. I went to the bathroom to grab tissue and I stopped at the fridge, opened it, starred at the box of pizza my boyfriend ordered earlier and stood there until my eyes were dry. I watched myself grab the box and eat the entire content. I also saw myself crying, again after the binge. I closed the fridge and knew that it was my way of telling myself that the binge I was longing for wouldn't fix the emotional pain I was experiencing. 

What did I do? I drank another 24 oz of water and crawled in bed, said my prayers, and had a dream of running a marathon. All day I kept seeing that scenario play in my head and how it actually played out and I felt a sense of freedom and accomplishment. I made the decision that I will be seeing a counselor when school starts. There is a program on campus for students to discuss any eating issues. I need to focus on mental strength and knowing that I don't need to binge to overcome something painful. It's only harming me in another form.Running has been a saving grace for me this week. I am actually really excited to continue this journey. Of course, I'm still lifting and focusing on my overall goals, but I already see some definition in my stomach area that wasn't there on Tuesday and my legs seem stronger as well. Every time I've ran this week, I've felt a sense of relief or a wall break down; even relating to stresses at work, they seem to disappear and I'm able to mentally process the issues. Between seeing a counselor and running, I've got a pretty great therapy plan, I think. 

Today was my rest day, but I'm off to crawl into bed to prepare for a 2 hour workout with my good friend, Krystal at my gym in the morning. I'm excited to share with her some of my normal routine and just get some more exercise in. I'm feeling better than ever. 

xoxo

 

Running.

I'm not a runner. At all. I used to run outside during the summer and would run a mile and time it. I never did distance, just timed runs. I made a promise in honor my friend/brother, Mamoru to run at least 5- 5K's within a year, because he was my biggest supporter. I'm going to run in the name of depression and suicide. 

I met a new friend, Krystal and she is way more of a runner than I am so, I found someone I can participate in 5K's with! YAY! I'm taking this year seriously when it comes to running. I'm battling with myself mentally, because I love weights, I LOVE lifting! Will all the running ruin muscle gain or progress? I've done research and there's conflicting information...just like everything else out there! 

I've decided that I will run strictly 3xs a week and lift with light cardio 3xs a week and hope that I find a balance. I did my first long distance run today with intervals of speeds and a couple of inclines to strengthen my endurance. Of course, this schedule won't be every single week because I plan to add in boxing again and other workouts, but I'm hoping to really stick to this in order to run 5k's and of course BLOOMSDAY!!!! 

Today was the first day of longer distance. Tomorrow, I plan on getting to 2.5 miles within or just shortly longer than today's time! 

 I'm also LOVING my Spark energy mix! Talk about awesome stuff. I know it was a big reason why I actually ran for 30 minutes instead of just walking.