Be Your Own Inspiration

Over the course of 2 years, I've built up this fear of the gym and haven't stepped foot in one since June 21, 2014.
If you asked me before June 21, 2014 if I'd step away from the gym for that long, I would have laughed in your face. I was in the gym every single day or outside running/hiking. It was my therapy.

With a pregnancy that consisted of me puking daily and having no energy, it was put on the back burner. Then the birth of my daughter happened and single motherhood began. Shortly after that, postpartum depression and anxiety hit me hard. I faced demons I didn't know existed.

So, now that I've made such amazing progress in therapy and see myself as the person I want to be instead of who I am compared to who I was--I'm getting ready to sign up at the gym this week.

I've been sitting here for the past few nights thinking about my goals and what I'm going to do in the gym when I go in for the first time. I am scared shitless. Because I'm this person I'm not used to and I'm appalled that I'm nervous. Then, I remember all of those people 3 years ago that would tell me that I was an inspiration and that I helped them.

BOOM.

THERE.

IT.

IS.

That's why I did what I did. That's why I'm nervous. That's why I'm dreading this.

I let those people down. I didn't stick with it. I should have tried harder. I should have helped them still, and inspired them.

See, this is where my therapy comes into play.

I experienced abandonment and loss and entered into a new life I knew nothing about. There is no good or bad way to approach that. I might have let those people down. But there are women out there with feelings and thoughts that mirror mine and someday, they will hear my story and say "You inspired me". And as much as I love to hear that, I'm going to know I inspired myself and I saved myself first and foremost.

So, to keep it short and simple this evening. Do not do anything but to please and better yourself. Others will see you shine and see your passion. If you keep others in mind while you act, you will lose yourself.

Lets do this for ourselves, because if we do-our kids will have us around much longer!

All In or All Out: BALANCE

I'm the definition of "all in or all out." I've struggled my whole life with finding balance in my life. In every aspect, I will either focus too intently or not care enough. I think it's because I'm passionate and have a lot of self control when I focus my time.

So...balance? What is that? What does it feel like? I'm sure it's those people in magazines or on tv shows that are super happy and content in life because they've achieved the ultimate balance in life. I'm totally kidding. But, that's what I associate balance with. Or, at least until recently.

Over the last year, I've struggled with Postpartum Depression, impulse to drink more than I normally do, and severe anxiety. My first step was stop going out a couple times a week to the bars. It was too much and I was becoming the one person I swore I broke the cycle against. I cut out alcohol unless it was at a restraunt and I limited myself to one drink. I think my anxiety used alcohol as a relaxer.

I eventually discovered Minimalism and purged my home of all items that served no purpose or brought joy. This helped my anxiety so much. This is an on going lifestyle and it has many meanings to each individual. I'll be sure to create a post about it sometime.

Once I was able to sit in peace and happiness in my home-I knew I needed to focus on my mental health. I reached out to other moms in my area and was recommended a therapist who focuses on the transition into motherhood. I started attending session in July. Best.Decision.I.Ever.Made.

Because of therapy and the fight in myself, I re-evaluated areas in my life that I wasn't fully happy in. Work became a large topic booming over my head. I loved my job in the sense that the students I worked with always seemed to be appreciative and they made it worthwhile. But I am also working toward a degree in Native American Studies/Anthropology and as an Admissions Coordinator, how would I utilize that degree? I was feeling stuck and needed more. I wanted to be excited to go to work-which realistically, I know it's how life works every single day. But I was having more "I don't want to go to work" days than I was having days I wanted to go into the office. Minimalism taught me to search for the joy and let go of the things that were holding me back. So, I did that.

At the beginning of November 2016, I applied for a different position. I didn't think I would get a call back, but I wanted to start the process of looking. By December 2, I was interviewed and offered the job. Shit got real, really fast.

Having been at my job for a month now, I'm extremely happy and since switching jobs, something switched inside of me. I'm making better choices, walking more, and taking time for myself. With the New Year in the rear view mirror, it was easy to start fresh and focus on weight loss.

So, here I am two weeks into 2017 and I'm finding that I don't have to cut out carbs to lose weight. I don't have to restrict myself to 1200 calories a day. I don't have to eat the same thing over and over.

I'm living life as a busy, working student mother and still eating healthy. Balance is 2017's goal. Balance ultimately is the goal of motherhood.

2017

It's almost been 2 years since I gave birth to my daughter.
It's been almost 2 years since I knew the old me.
I lost myself for a while, Postpartum Depression is a bitch.

But, I decided when I saw that some of the weight was back (more than half of it)--it was time to do something. I want to be a healthy mother for my daughter and I want my strength and drive back.

Since July of 2016, I've been in therapy addressing my Postpartum Depression and transition into motherhood. I've made huge leaps in mental health care so it's time to take charge of my health and physical well being.

I figured, it's a great time to get this blog back up and going.

Let's do this.

Figure Bodybuilding Competition

This is an announcement I've been nervous to make. I've thought about it for almost a year. I've been obsessed with the idea and even tried to talk myself out of it but I've realized because it makes me nervous, I need to do it. I want to do it. I'm giving myself 3 years from today to transform my body and enter a figure bodybuilding competition. I will walk on a stage in heels, in a tiny bathing suit, transformed mentally, emotionally, and physically. I originally gave myself 5 years but 3 years...that's motivating and maybe I'll do one in 3 years and then one at 5 years? I've always wanted to truly challenge myself physically and know what my limits are. I'm ready to show my daughter you can start from the bottom, broken, used and accomplish any goal and any dream with hard work and faith. Here we gooooo!!!! 

Gaining Control

"You want control over everything."

"You're a control freak" 

"You're all about control"

I've heard those phrases for years and each time, a negative, guilty, and angry feeling swept over me. I didn't feel like I was a control freak. I like structure. I like to plan. I worry about the future from time to time. I'm set in my opinions and thoughts yet I believe in keeping an open mind IF communication is done effectively. 

Having Laurel, it's made me really reflect

on the control topic. I have a daughter Im entirely responsible for, who depends on me, and who is supposed to protect her. Doesn't that mean I need control? Maybe, maybe not. But I have it, because I have to. I can't rely on someone else to do those things for me.

After a great talk with a dear friend of mine this weekend, it left me thinking about regaining power and control. Yes, regaining control. Could all of those years of coming off as needing and wanting control actually be true? Possibly. 

Maybe I would hold onto certain, unimportant things and want control over them, because I felt so out of control in my life? More specifically in my relationship. Maybe I focused too much on the little things because I wasn't ready to face the bigger thing (my unhappiness)...so it made me look crazy and it made me act crazy. 

I'm actively working daily on regaining control and learning who I am. I know who I am in certain areas but what if I discover who I am outside of a relationship and those areas change? That's the scariest part. But what keeps me going is the beauty of making daily choices without putting someone (other than my daughter) before me and catering to them first and foremost. I would go without because I was wanting to make someone else so happy. When I say happy I mean I did everything and gave everything and got nothing back, and I accepted it. After time I stopped hoping I would get something back, even emotionally. It became extremely lonely and I felt like I was losing control over myself and my ability to teach the person how to treat me. I essentially taught them it was okay they treated me poorly and take and take while I gave everything I had. That left me empty handed and mentally struggling...so if I could get a little control over the structure of every day life, I would feel a little better and more whole, right? Wrong. 

I was driving yesterday and the thought of me transforming into a new person or who I truly am makes me smile. I'm going to go through these moments of reflection and then put things to work in my life where I'll be transformed. I am so excited to one day meet a man who will appreciate me and cherish me all because I'll know my worth first. Anything less than that, I'll know he isn't the one. I won't wait for someone to "discover" my worth and what I have to give. I now know, if a man doesn't see that from the beginning...he isn't right for you. More importantly, I'll be listening to God and trusting His timing. (I'll get into that post a little later...a whole other topic). 

To sum all of this up, Laurel will learn and know what I didn't. After all, everything I do from now on is for her. I'm happy to go through this for her benefit. 

Speaking of Laurel, someone is ready to eat and be cuddled. Until next time. 

Xoxo

I'm single & I'm a mother.

I don't know how else to say it. I'm a single mom and I think in the coming months, I'll post blog entries to decompress the emotions that come with it. I won't be getting into my "failed" relationship. I will let people think what they will and only answer questions from people who have the backbone to ask instead of let their imagination run wild. I will not be posting about the involvement of Laurel's father, but I will post about how I'm coming to terms with losing my partner and best friend after almost 10 years while raising my daughter...alone. 

Mommy & Laurel. 

I want to talk about breastfeeding and my struggles with it and PCOS. 

I need this blog to become my source of therapy again. It helped me so much during my weight loss and when life was a mess...I'm hoping I can find myself and the mother I was intended by reflecting on my daughter, the struggles, and the wins of being a single mom. 

I hope you join me in this amazing journey. 

Love, 

Chel 

My Birth Experience

"I want to be a mom more than anything, and having PCOS makes me have to fight for that right & privilege." 

"A healthy baby is the goal. A safe delievery is the goal."

March 3, I spent the evening with back pain. I knew my body was changing and things would be happening soon. I had slight spotting and a lot of mucus discharge which I confided in my doula, Jen about. I woke up throughout the night with back pain which I later determined was small back contractions. At 4:59am, March 4th, I looked at my phone and saw the time change to 5:00am and felt a strong contraction. 10 minutes later, another one. So on & on for about a hour and then they became 7 minutes a part. I spent the early morning in bed contracting and timing them. At about 5 min a part I took a hot shower around 8am. I then notified my friend, Heatherann that it was time to head into Missoula. My contractions were 3.5 min a part. Upon arriving at labor and delievery "ER" (Triage) my contractions were shorter than 3 min a part. I was 0 centimeters dilated. There wasn't anything they could do for me besides tell me to go walk around and keep my two appointments I had that day (ultrasound and 40 week prenatal). At noon, we had lunch and walked to my next appointment a building over. I informed the ultrasound office receptionist I was in labor and was ordered to keep my appointments and find out measurements on my little girl. The ladies thought I was insane to be in labor and getting an ultrasound, especially since I was having strong contractions. Due to an emergency, the specialist doctor was late so we waited patiently while my contractions became closer together at about 1 min and 20 seconds. The pain intensified. The receptionist tried to track down the specialist who needed to review the scans I had taken by the tech. About 45 min later, we were told to walk two buildings over and go to the prenatal appointment I had with my doctor, Dr. Mayo. The specialist was in an emergency. The office was aware I was in "labor" and let me have a back room to contract in outside of the waiting room. From noon to 2pm, I had dilated a half centimeter "finger tip dilation". I was devastated. The hospital wouldn't admit me unless I was 2cm or more. Because I needed a break and sleep, my doc prescribed me Laratab (2 doses). She said it would relax me to get some rest. Wrong. Nothing happened. I continued to labor throughout the day & evening and waited patiently for my family to arrive from Washington. They arrived and I labored through the evening, waking people up I'm sure because I didn't sleep at all. The next morning, March 5, I was at 30 hours without sleep and called the labor and delievery line and advice and was told to come in again to get checked. My mom & nana went with me. Again....half a centimeter only. I remember looking at my mom and nana and we all started crying because of my pain and exhaustion. I begged the nurse for an answer and she kept using the term "failure to progress". I googled it. First pregnancy related google search, ever. "Stress, mental, psychological, and emotional struggles can cause failure to progress; among not being relaxed" I had myself breathe and relax through every contraction the first probably 24 hours but I was so tired. The nurse returned with a shot of morphine and said it would let me sleep for 4-5 hours. I took it. I was hesitant for about a minute and realized I had a long way to go. I went and slept for 4.5 glorious hours while my family toured Missoula. When I woke, the contractions came back in a steady pace. My family and I had dinner around 7 and by 8 we decided a swim in the hotel pool would be a good idea. For almost 2 hours, I swam laps, lunged, high knees and even galloped like a horse. I even did some water acrobatic dance moves I've seen on the movies. Some nice couples in the hot tub had looks of terror and they heard me yell "time!" & had my aunt shout out the time so I could track my contractions. The couples probably thought I was going to have a hotel pool baby. We all went to bed about 11-well my family did. I labored and kept my sister awake with my noises. Her concern told me that they were getting worse (at this point I couldn't tell you my pain rate because of how tired I was). At 2am I called my doula, Jen who said she would come to help me with positions and even help me labor through the pain. When Jen arrived, we both decided (I don't remember how we got to the conclusion) but it was time to go get checked again. At 3am on March 6, I was at 3 centimeters! 

Show time!!!! 

The next part kind of comes and goes in the memory department because I was in a lot of pain & sleep deprived. We immediately got into my labor room and had to be monitored for 20 min (that's hard when you need to bend over and rock out contractions and baby's heart rate keeps getting lost on the monitor). After the initial 20 minutes, my Doula, Jen got a hot bath going and it was a saving grace. I labored through contractions for almost 2 hours in the tub and it was amazing. The pain was still intense but I felt a little relief between each one I got to close my eyes and "relax". I truly believe that's what made me dilate even more. After the shower, I found my spot back on the bed (on all fours) with a pillow for support and rocked through contractions with music playing and Jen rubbing my lower back. Contractions came harder and stronger and after being checked at a 5 (later was determined more like a 4), I needed relief, my body was screaming. I kept saying to myself "no pain management, no pain management, this is what your body was made for." But I thought "do you want to push? If so, relief now may help." I asked for an epidural through gritted teeth and while sobbing. By this time, I think it's roughly 10am? Dr. Mayo broke my water-like it was just another day on the job and she said she would see me soon! After I got the epidural, they gave me something to rest. I still had the contractions. I then realized they had given me pitocin. I can't remember if I requested it or if I just approved it. I didn't sleep, but was able to have a little relief to relax my body more. I continued to labor through the afternoon. Roughly around 2 or 3, I felt the urge to push and became really angry that my cathider was still in and nothing was ready to go. The nurse checked me, and I was 9.5 so after a few big contractions and fighting the urge to push I demanded to push, and was checked and it was push time!!! 

My body was already shaking with each contraction which scared me. My legs were heavy but I had feeling in them and the nurse instructed me to hold my legs but I physically couldn't hold my legs and focus on pushing so I had people hold my legs. My worst part was how my body was hyperventilating after each push. I hated that I couldn't hold the push the full 10 seconds without feeling like I was going to pass out or my face was numb. I got really discouraged, fast. So again, I got outside of my own mind and stepped back and realized "I could do this". I kept saying "I can do this" before and after each push. Everyone kept encouraging me & being positive. I had never pushed a baby out before but I felt like the pressure wasn't being relieved no matter how many times and how long I pushed. I didn't know if it was normal. Again, I started worrying. At one point, I pushed hard and long, i couldn't hear anyone else in the room. My body then just went limp. I knew, I couldn't keep going. I was spent. The nurse then requested another dose of the epidural to help. I was supposed to have relief within 15 min, but nothing. It was like I never got anything. I could see the nurse wonder what the deal was. 

Laurel's heart rate wasn't being picked up because of her placement and they came in with this long stick thing and went inside to place a "tag" on her head to pick up her heart rate. That was the scariest moment of my life, and I think it was because I didn't understand what was happening.  After the nurse realized the epidural wasn't placed right or working, Dr. Mayo came in and told me what I knew was coming but didn't want...a c section. She checked Laurel and she gave me two options. 

1. C section immediately. 

2. Take out old epidural, get a new one and push for several more hours, with the option of a c section in case baby gets stressed. 

Dr. Mayo knew my plan, she knew either option would be a hard one to make because it would mean a completely depleted body or depleted spirit. I truly believe she knew that and that's why she was so kind about how she approached the situation. She reminded me of how long I had been doing this and what the ultimate goal was. "Healthy baby". After sobbing, my family and I were left alone to decide. I remember saying "mommy, I'm done" over and over. I chose the c section. While Dr Mayo got prepped for surgery, so did I but I still felt like I had to push. Not pushing or pushing "a little" as instructed by the nurse is more painful than pushing. Don't try it. It was horrible. My body was wanting to do something but I couldn't. 

I'm not sure what time I was wheeled into the OR, but it was like you see in the movies and when I saw all the lights and tools, I just "gave up", I truly just stopped fighting and accepted I was going to meet my daughter!!! I was getting the spinal black (not being able to move) through contractions is a torture method I'm sure. It was horrible and it felt like the OR staff was just hanging out taking their time, but then again, time went much faster after I got the drugs. On the operating table, my body felt "free". I know that sounds crazy but I truly felt relaxed for the first time in days. I then got a heavy chest, twitchy eyes, and could feel my arms twitching and the nurse confirmed my body was relaxing and I was okay. I remember closing my eyes because the lights hurt my eyes because of a headache I had. I immediately awoke to heart the sweetest cry. My daughter. Mind you, I had NO voice and I was screaming "Jake, go check on her!!" Only to turn my head and see he was next to her. He shot me a look & beamed "she's so beautiful!". I smiled and closed my eyes, only to fight the sleep and see her little foot and all her hair. I couldn't figure out why they didn't bring her to me or let jake cut the cord, so I was getting mad. She was supposed to be brought to me immediately and wasn't. I started panicking. Jake brought me a picture while they cleaned her up. 

The next minute will always stay in my mind, and I'll remember it when I doubt my decision making as a mom. 

Dr. Mayo said "Chelsea, I want you to know you made the right decision. Your baby was sunny side up and her forehead was coming out first not her crown and she was stuck, you would have pushed and pushed and stressed her out and have gotten a c section either way. You have a healthy baby!" 

I got to hold Laurel in recovery for the first time and I'll never forget how she snuggled my chest! 

All Things Emotional

I'm on this crazy roller coaster and I'm not sure when it will truly end. Some say, "the day your baby is born, everything makes sense". Then I hear these horror stories of women who are more emotional after birth and even YEARS after they have children. There's one thing I've accepted and have found to be true and I'm not even at the "end point" yet. I will never be the same. I'm not talking about the constant desire to throw up when I smell something besides peppermint oil, my changing body, or the simple feeling I have deep down in my soul that my life has a much bigger, scarier meaning. I'm really talking about all aspects and I can't describe the fear, anxiety, or excitement that comes with the realization that I may forget who I am today in 3 years. I've fought so hard to find who I am today and I've worked my butt off to find confidence and self love. My identity is wrapped up in what I've learned about myself; the good and bad. So...in 3 years, I may forget who I am today, and will I like who I am then? These are scary and emotional thoughts that go through my head while I'm at work or laying in bed at night. I know, I should be more productive; tell it to the kiddo making me exhausted and emotional.

Speaking of self love and confidence. There's something that women talk about and are oddly, pretty open about during pregnancy. Their changing body. It's clear that swelling takes place, growing in all directions seem to sprout after every meal, and the fact that recovery may take a lot of time. I'm currently having the hardest time right now. It started a couple months ago and I hope that it doesn't last until March, but it could continue until after baby. You see, when I was 250 lbs, I was self conscious--I didn't want to wear cute stylish clothes because I didn't have the confidence to pull of the style or trend. When I was heavier, I was closed off to different experiences because I felt like I didn't match what I felt like underneath. Sounds weird, right? My personality had to change and become timid because I was afraid of embarrassing situations that would arise because of my weight. When I lost almost 90 lbs...I became free. This confidence returned, I remembered it when I was an early teenager. The old Chelsea came back and I was more likely to try new experiences because I felt strong, confident, empowered.

15 weeks

These days, I'm still sick...yes, you heard me. Almost 18 weeks pregnant and I'm still sick if not every day, every other day. (I recently just had two glorious days of no symptoms besides exhaustion and I was on cloud nine). You're welcome to leave a comment on what worked for you, but I can bet money that I've tried it and it might have worked for a day or two, but no more. Being sick these days, I haven't been able to workout. I do walk or take the stairs more often and do some prenatal yoga on the occasion I feel well enough to simply get my heart rate going. I have often thought maybe I am feeling like I'm getting bigger and bigger because I miss the gym? That could be part of it, truly. Let me explain something; I used to focus on a number on a scale. It is what motivated me to lose my first 50 lbs and then it became this unhealthy habit that I had to destroy. So, I started ignoring the number. When you're pregnant, everything is about numbers, levels, and panels. Although I told myself and my midwife that I plan on following her advice about weight gain (if I were to start gaining rapidly), I wasn't going to stress until she brought it to me as a concern. We agreed and she was quit happy to hear that. Here's the truth...I've lost 15 lbs (was 17) since June 29. Yes, it's because I'm sick and it could be partly muscle, I understand that. However, it looks good on the charts, so I kept telling myself "you're doing okay, you're fine." The truth? Just like when I was losing weight and my body would look smaller and there was NO change on the scale...it's the same when you're pregnant...only OPPOSITE. There hasn't been a change in the scale yet my body doesn't look like mine. Okay, I take that back. It looks like the old, overweight Chelsea...almost. There is a cute bump and I can see my hips are changing as well, but my body just...doesn't feel like mine.

16 Weeks

I found myself comparing myself to women on Instagram or even I know in real life who are or have been pregnant. On Instagram I have this guilty secret of looking at all the pictures with the hash-tag "#17weeks", "#16weeks" just so I can compare and look at other women's growing bellies. That's pathetic, right? I think it is because I never compared my weight-loss journey to anyone else. I never compared my body to another womans when I was changing my lifestyle. I was PROUD of my body and posted it all over Instagram as a place to record my progress and show women they could do it and that they didn't have to be shameful of being overweight, extra skin, or fading stretch marks. So why is this so hard for me to embrace this beautiful life growing inside of me; that just so happens to make the world "ooh" and "ahh" over?

17 Weeks

This may make some people really mad or you may think I'm a self centered brat who needs to be grateful for the gift I have. I'll say this once, and if you don't like it...move on, please. I am so thankful for what God has given me, but this gift doesn't come without many emotional, mental, and physical barriers that I'm supposed to learn how to climb. I truly believe all of this is just prep work for becoming a mother. If you've been in my shoes, I'm glad you can relate. If you enjoyed every moment of your pregnancy and felt like a sexy cheetah on the prowl...I'm so incredibly happy for you. Any secrets you want to share? PG13 appropriate, of course. 

I don't have an insightful, beautiful message to myself and other women who are struggling with the same issues as a closing. But, I plan in the next coming weeks to seek my heart, mind, and ask God for guidance and peace. Then, I'll be sure to post my realization or the process of how I've come to embrace just this tiny piece of the puzzle. Trust me, I'm a first time mom and I've never had so many thoughts, emotions, fear, questions, uncertainties. I'm hoping to be able to share them with whoever takes the time to read this, and maybe also have this beautiful journey of a story to share with my child one day. I'm sure he/she will be aware of the emotional and erratic mother they were assigned to, so there won't be much surprise. Baby, I do love you and love that you're this strong and captivating presence in my life already and I'm excited to meet you. Don't ever doubt the love I have for you. No matter how down I'm feeling or sick I am, when I feel those tiny flutters, I smile and try to trace your movement.

I'm sure you'll hear from me in 13 days...when I found out if Baby Wayne is a little girl or boy. Until next time, be kind to one another & compliment each person you meet with a smile.

xoxo

Baby Wayne, Due March 3, 2015.

For those who aren't on my Facebook, Instagram or simply follow this blog. First, I apologize for not updating it in MONTHS. I had a very busy spring with school, running, workouts, and settling into what I thought would be a glorious summer vacation.

Jake & I are expecting our first child.

I started my summer vacation by continuing to bike to work, workout, and enjoy freedom from classes while planning my sister's baby shower.

My sister's baby shower was June 21, and it was so much fun filled with lots of love. We knew Noah wouldn't be waiting until his July 14 due date to make his entrance into the world. Momma was WAY too tired & uncomfortable at her shower. 3 days later, I got the call she was in labor and on June 25, he was born at 5 lbs 7oz. Pure perfection.

What the rest of the world didn't know was, Noah was already going to have a cousin. I had just shared with my close family and best friend(s) that I was expecting my first child. Holding Noah, something changed inside of me. I knew that I was months away from feeling those emotions and fear my sister just experienced and I knew the joy she had holding her son would soon be mine. It was overwhelming. (Puking moments before this photo made it that much more real).

I should have noticed something was different while I hosted her baby shower, because I just wasn't my usual self. If it wasn't for my flu like symptoms, I probably would have gone a couple extra days feeling out of sorts without an explanation. Yes, my life was so busy at that time I didn't realize my period was late. 

I kept the news very quiet besides very close family and a few close friends. I have PCOS and although I got pregnant, that didn't mean I'm automatically having a healthy and problem free pregnancy. With the realization of having my first child in God's plan & timing and not mine, I kept my emotions very streamline until I knew I was in a safe zone. 

I don't regret not getting excited until recently, because it's how I handled the change. I was very fearful that I would experience a heart break that I've seen my own sister experience last year. Fear consumed me, but I know deep down that all of those prayers and all of those nights planning certain things in my head...that was my excitement & hope. 

TRUTH:

I don't enjoy pregnancy so far. Yes, I know every pregnancy is different and every woman is different. It's great that your sister's best friends, cousins, sister felt immediately better on her 12th week of pregnancy. Good for her! I love that you never had any pregnancy symptoms with both of your children, I think that's so incredible. More than anything, I love that every person will say the second trimester gets SO MUCH better. 

The reality for ME....none of it's true. I'm 15 weeks and since about week 5, I've been getting progressively worse...or at least constant. I've felt sad for myself, mad, frustrated, mentally unstable (think...ready to admit myself to hospital until I stop puking unstable). I've gone through the emotions of being so mad at my body that I just didn't leave my bed for days. I've spent probably hundreds of dollars on products, home remedies, vitamins, ect to see if they would make things better. I kept these things secret because I felt like I was already failing as a mother and I hadn't even met my child. I felt like I was being a horrible woman for stating that I hated being pregnant because I know women in my daily life that WISH & PRAY for this miracle and I'm taking it for granted. Weeks later, I've come to terms with something and I will advocate & stand up for myself no matter what. 

I hate the symptoms that are associated with this pregnancy, but I love the miracle that's happening within my life. 

I can only imagine how I'll forget about the morning sickness, hospital visits, crazy body changes, ect when I met my child, but until then...I'm going to allow all those emotions to come and I will remind myself every time I get frustrated that I'm a part of something MUCH bigger than I could ever imagine. 

I'm 15 weeks & in just 30 days, Jake and I will find out if we are going to have a daughter or son. (Man, I can't wrap my head around saying that). 

On the workout/health/fitness side of things....I have not worked out since about June 20th. Seriously. I know, I'm going insane. I've had a couple of times were I did a few things here and there, but immediate felt ill. I'm listening to my body. I'm trying my best. My nutrition is alright, I'm pretty much eating what will stay down. I've lost 17 lbs since I first found out I was pregnant. My doctor isn't concerned because my levels are really great and I have a healthy & very active baby. 

Once I can function without throwing up or wanting to faint, I will absolutely be back in the gym! After all, I will be one FIT Momma! 

I know this doesn't explain or even begin to summarize my summer and my pregnancy so far, but I'm hoping to keep this blog updated more often to keep my Facebook use down to minimum. 

Baby Wayne is one love, adored, supported, and wanted child of his parents, family, friends, and God. March 3, 2015 needs to hurry, but I'm patiently waiting. 

Love the Skin You're In

I believe in tough love. I always use the phrase "This comes from a loving place". Words can be mean. Blunt and harsh attitudes can make words hurt even more. So, it's important that I start this by saying, this comes from a love place and respect.

Your 125, 150, 180, 200, 250, 300 pound bodies are beautiful. The person underneath the skin is incredible. There are friends and family that surround you daily that want the best and utmost happiness for you. You are someone's sunshine. 

So what if you're boobs aren't as big as your best friends, butt is too big to fit into Hollister jeans (screw that company anyway), or you have a little extra mid-section weight that you refer to your "love handles". 

Look at yourself in the mirror and think about what that body has done for you already in all your years. Has it healed itself from illness, surgery, broken bones, infections? Has it birth a child? Oh, maybe 5? Has it allowed you to walk from one point to another to get you to where you need to be? Have you reached the top of a mountain and saw a valley of trees and buildings? Or was it a complete emptiness besides the wilderness and trees? That body allows you to be on this planet, surrounding your family and friends. You're able to experience this life because of that magnificent, strong, beautiful body. 

Do you notice it changes when your eating habits are a certain way? Do you watch it transform when your growing baby is inside of you, or do you notice how fast your body changes after you give birth? Do you notice when you go out on a weekend spree of drinking, dancing, and bad food that the next few days you feel sluggish? Do you enjoy how light and fresh your body feels when you have smoothie or juice your veggies and fruits? Does your skin glow when you add more vegetables to your meals? Or do you notice how your break outs of acne and pimples happen around that one annoying time of the month and when you have too much chocolate or dairy? 

When you're dehydrated and thirsty do you get that feeling throughout your body that you need moisture...you need water? Do you spend 20 trips to the bathroom all day when you finally drink enough water and you're properly hydrated? After holiday meals, do you get that feeling of wanting to nap right after you eat the final dinner roll or piece of pumpkin pie? Do you smile when you eat a slice of cheese cake because the taste and memories come flooding back and your body just sinks in relaxation and calmness?

Your body does that all. How incredible. Thank it for all it has done for you already. Thank you for all it WILL do for you. 

So, you want to lose weight or fit into those old high school jeans? As long as they aren't ripped and bleached...that's cool. Ha! Here's a secret or two that I've learned. No amount of harmful self talk will get you back into those jeans or lose those stubborn 30 lbs. No 3 hour workout to make up for the hamburger you just had will make it happen either. 

Your VERY first step is to thank your body for all it's done. Look at your body in a state as raw as you emotionally can (yes, that means naked, I dare you) and cry, laugh, touch, and accept it. Be real with yourself. This is your starting point. This is where it all changes. 

Then, you can do one or the other (I did both, so I'm sure a lot of you will do both also). 1. Apologize to yourself and your body. Life happened and you managed to let things go and not put yourself and your body first. It happens, but it's something that can be fixed. There's no reason to keep doing it now that you're aware. 2. Forgive yourself. Having accepted and apologized for old habits, forgive yourself for feeling those aweful thoughts of self image hate. Forgive yourself for comparing your body to others and for hating what you see in the mirror. 

If this seems as if it's a self help, follow the directions, step by step guide, I greatly apologize. It isn't. Sometimes these actions happen slowly and with weeks or months in between before you reach the end. Yes, the end. Then you get to start another journey...a journey you know you're worth. Once you know you're worth all that's ahead and what you're mentally capable of and what you're awesome body is capable of...there's NO stopping you. 

If your goals really are to lose 50 lbs or to drop several jean sizes or even gain weight, it will be hard and there will be times when you want to quit and take the easy way out. But, the reminder that you love and cherish the body you're in will overcome those feelings and moments of struggle every. single. time. 

The next steps are just as crucial. 
1. Remeber the old you, at all times but with the knowledge that she/he was yesterday and will not be here tomorrow.
2. Surprise yourself with progress and random acts and behaviors the old you couldn't or wouldn't have done. Share them with others! Let your mom or sister know you walked 3 miles faster than yesterday.
3. Take it day by day. The body that you just accepted and started to fall in love with wasn't formed in one day. 

This had to happen for me before anything else changed. I may struggle with food and emotional stressors for over eating at times or I may skip workouts, but there's always two constants. 1. I LOVE MY BODY and I fell in love with it at 242 lbs. 2. I never allow myself to talk down to my body. 

Yes, my body has changed and I work and eat right so it can change even more, but I know that if I didn't accepted my body the way it was, I would have given up like all the times in the past. Even more than that, I would be working toward this idea of "happy body image" and I would probably never find it, because I would never be content. I am content right now.

I hope you get just one simple message out of this. 
 You get to decide to love your body.

xoxo

Recap: Advocare & Balance

It's been a hot minute since I updated this. Why? Because I've been busy living life! I think about all the fun stuff I want to post and then get super side tracked with the gym, home life, and work that it gets pushed off. So, here's a bit of what you've probably seen on my IG (where I post EVERYTHING, no joke) and my Facebook. I promise, I'll do better :)

Lets start with my training: I completed Bloomsday on May 4, 2014. 7.46 miles of complete unknown territory and complete nerves in 1:42:57. #irunformamoru has become a mission. Mamoru was one of my biggest supporters and promised he would run Bloomsday a year ago with me when I was ready. I was ready this year. He may not have been physically with me, but he got me through some really tough mental places during the race. I don't remember the scenery or how I was feeling before or after. I specifically remember running up "doomsday hill" and crying because I was finally letting go of a lot of "unknown" that I held on because of his death. I finally accepted that healing had to happen. I have this idea that every time I run and call on him for guidance, I'll not only cross a finish line, but I'll find a piece of him again. The best part was being surrounded by my friends and my mom, who also completed it for the first time!

What now? Ohhhh good question! I'm training for my FIRST HALF MARATHON! I am running 13.1 miles on July 13, 2014 to help raise money for the Boys & Girls Club of Missoula! 
I strongly believe in being a resource and support for children in the communities I call "home". I have been doing a running/lifting/HIIT training schedule because lets be real, I'm scared. Scared REAL bad. If I could use bad words to express my fear, I would. But, I'm telling myself that NO matter what, I'll cross the finish line; even if I have to walk the last 6 miles. This is about progress and about making myself better! 

Now, to break it down even further when it comes to what I'm using for training and how I'm balancing my life. This will also touch base on mentally where I'm at, and what I've learned in the last year. Negativity and "higher than thou" attitudes will not be accepted, check it at the door!

Advocare! That's right. I said it. I love & use Advocare. Why? Here are MY reasons:
1. I did my research. I researched and thought about it for a year.
2. My heart doctor (born with two holes in my heart) approved ALL of the products, actually encouraged me with a couple for running/training purposes.
3. My physician & gyno approved the products I use, especially PCOS.
4. I realized that when you're training toward goals, supplements do help.
5. I EAT REAL FOOD. CLEAN FOOD. Yes, I eat food. I don't drink shakes all day, that is one thing I could never do.
6. The vitamins in Spark do more for me than any vitaman b complex or depression pill ever did for my mood and mental clarity.
7. I've seen and spoke with pro athletes and body builders who have used the products for years.
8. My energy level is increased without toxic red bull or monster drinks. I was told if I drank those drinks, I would have heart issues. Spark is amazing.
9. The 24 Day Challenge truly helped during a dark period and brought me back to the basics.
10. It's my choice.

Now, I'm going to try and say this in the most respectful and elegant way, because I truly love what I do and the products I use, but I ALWAYS keep it real.

THIS IS WHAT WORKS FOR ME! I eat real, clean, wholesome food during the day. Roughly 5 meals a day and when I train, I use supplements and Spark. I used to eat 100% clean with EVERYTHING....those type of restrictions & some emotional issues caused for A LOT of binge eating and self hate. I took a step back and re-evaluated things. My body is the healthiest it has been...ever. Physically, mentally, and internally. My blood work came back from a hormonal panel and diabetes panel and it was PERFECT. That's never happened before, especially not when I was having my binge episodes. 

Balance is something that gets thrown at people trying to lose weight ALL THE TIME. But I've discovered that what my definition of "balance" means can be completely different than the next person. Balance needs to be based off of our personal needs. I allow for some flexibility so my binge episodes don't make an appearance or so I can feel more in control. Weight loss is mental. I can run 10 miles, but working through a stress trigger or depression is where I'm constantly put to the test.

24 DAY CHALLENGE

24 DAY CHALLENGE & AFTER

I encourage ANYONE interested in the 24 Day Challenge to ask me questions and go ask their doctors! Go ahead, research, read reviews, and ask. It's okay to ask questions. I was hesitant for over a year, and now I'm happy and content with my decision.


I'll be posting more, promise! :) Start this next month with LOTS of determination and kill your goals!

xoxo

National Eating Disorder Awareness Week

Today starts the week of being aware, educated, and inspired. "Everybody knows somebody" is the theme this year for the National Eating Disorder Awareness Week. 

Do you know someone who struggles with body image/ personal love that leads to an altered/unhealthy relationship with food. Or maybe someone who has an addiction to food that leads to guilt and body issues? 

Me. 

I'm a binge eater. I hear people tell me that it could be worse. I agree, but don't let that fool you to think that I'm healthy and fit all the time. I still struggle every single day with having to make the right choices and not let my emotions and stress/anxiety triggers take over. I know my issues are severely caused by emotional/mental hurdles and I'm making the necessary steps to process. 

My journey started with weight loss, to look and feel healthier. I started with small goals in mind and even a couple of long term goals. I wanted to work toward a body that can lift heavy, keep up with high intense situations, and allow me to do things I've never done. In all of those outward-body related goals, I rejected to make mental hurdles. I feel slightly stunted in my mental/emotional strength. It's a work in progress, every single day. 

Now, my goals is body image and self love. How can we change the way we view ourselves? Do we start with making the rest of the world see us in a different light, or do we simply embrace our bodies and disregard others? Both sound almost impossible. People will think what they want about me and my body. I'm sure when I reach my long term goal, people will have negative things to say, and I'm okay with that. The thing is, I'm not staying constant-I'm striving to evolve daily and become a better version of myself as time continues on. 

We need to STOP pointing out our negatives or flaws. We will always wish and want what we don't have. (That's another topic in itself...to be continued). Instead of hating the bodies we do have, why don't we look ourselves in the mirror (naked if you are willing) focus on three positives (shoulders, length of legs, clear skin) and thank your body for all it has done so far. Now, start by enhancing or focusing on what you like to take it to "the next level". Example: I love my legs. Bigger or not, I love my legs and know that they can be defined and toned. I dedicate 2-3 days a day in the gym focusing on different leg workouts to strengthen and improve them. 

I see so many people say, "If you don't like what you have, change it!". To an extent, I completely agree, because I know it can be done. However, it's a scary thought and sometimes can be too hard to imagine. So, instead of focusing on a negative and working to change it completely; I really like focusing on what I already love and watch "it" change/improve to "wow" myself even more. 

Slowly but surely, you will find it in yourself to trust and love your body enough to change any "problem areas". My stomach is ALWAYS my main concern, but I don't do 3 hours of cardio a day to make it go away. I know that's unrealistic. I work toward lessening my body fat, however, my legs changing and my skin becoming more clear really makes me fall in love with my body overall. 

I hope this gives a small insight to how I slowly started to regain love for my body and the love I found when I realized what I could accomplish by working hard and eating clean, wholesome foods. This is what we should focus on every single day, but I encourage you to try wholeheartedly this week while people are recognized for their recovery, and while others find the strength to reach out for help.

When it comes to food I have a couple of simple tips: 1. Cooke with color! Have fun with food by adding in various colors. 2. Balanced meals should contain lean protein, veggies, complex carbs, fruit, healthy fats. 3. Eat more! When you're eating wholesome, clean food, please do not feel you need to restrict yourself to 1200 calories. Calories cannot measure nutrients! 

Now here's a simple recipe I like to have. It's simple, fast, and delicious.

Chelsea Loves Pasta & Pesto

•  1 cup (or 3/4) of whole wheat or veggie pasta. Cook until ready.
• 1 half skinless chicken breast (season and cook to your liking-I use Mrs. Dash garlic & herb blend). Cut in small pieces before or after cooking.
• Hand full of grape tomatoes, halved. 
• Hand full of spinach.
• 1 tsp of basil pesto.

Tough Love

No one is too good for a little tough love. No one is perfect, and everyone deserves to be able to look in the mirror and see a real, raw reflection. It's the best way to push forward. Everyone; even myself.

This week was horrible. Hell, I feel like this month has been horrible. I might be having a few moments of harsh criticism right now, but that's okay. I can't keep allowing to tell myself "it's just one more binge, it's just one bad meal". Yes, it's not horrible, but I'm not putting my knowledge and will power to the best use possible. I'm not the person I was a few months ago. I've changed and I'm so confused.

I think since September, I've lost a side of me that I fought to find. Once grief and loss struck, I gave a piece of me up. I thought that pain could drive me...push me harder, but really...I've continued to sink lower and lower in this pit of confusion. I'm depressed, that's clear. I feel blessed and know I've been giving it effort, but lets face it...life sucks sometimes. There's no reason for some things and that's the hardest thing to accept. I walk thru my daily schedule worried about losing people I care about. I need to enjoy them NOW! Not worry. I need to practice being mindful and being present right NOW! 

Damnit, I have goals to meet and records to break. I have Bloomsday to run; right beside my friends. The same friends who have picked me up and held me high while I was at my lowest. The same friends who have fought the same fight I have (sometimes facing harder times) and are still standing. So why do I feel like I need to be babied or need more time?  I have mountains to climb this summer and clothes to wear that I've never warn before. Why am I lacking in this confidence and drive? 

I need that voice and that person I was when I came down off of that mountain almost a year ago while my legs were shaking and my lungs were begging for air. I need to hear myself say "you did it, you can do it again tomorrow". I need that person who sat, starting a blog with the realization that she finally had a voice. A voice that finally said she had will power and determination. I need to show people that yes, sometimes you fall and or stay at the same level for a LOOONNNGGG time but that growth doesn't take place. That growth takes place in challenges, while you're at your lowest, striving for your best. 

Tomorrow, I'm starting the fight all over again. I'm starting from scratch and I will find that girl and her loud voice, again. I will find them and hold on to them. I won't back down.

Mental Health

Binge. Eating "issue". Disorder. Therapy. Count calories. Don't count calories. Just stop already. Struggle. Weak. Uncontrollable. Addicted. Powerless. Triggers. Hopeless. Defeated. Worthless.

Screw that.

I had this thought a few months ago after a McDonald's binge episode that my journey didn't mean as much as those who don't binge. My success and my work wasn't up to par. After all, I was hindering any progress because of the choices I was making in that drive thru.

Bullshit.

I'm this weak creature that doesn't have control over what goes into my body 24/7. I give my all for days, eating clean and feeling great to only throw it away because I can't find the "urge" to say no. 

Ridiculous.

I'm addicted to food. It holds a power over me that sometimes I can't explain.

Accurate.

My head and body don't work together all the time. My body strives for progress and for changes, I feel it getting "bored" when I'm at the same place for too long. My mind tells me I want bad food. It says that fast food or sugar filled processed junk will make me feel better. The stress of work, life, relationships, dealing with death, and trying to have it all together all the time seems to disappear for those few moments that the sandwich, ice cream, candy bar touches my mouth.

I had my first counseling appointment yesterday. I'm sure as the week goes on, I'll piece it together more and more and certain things will stand out, but here is an overview of what I took away from the session and what I plan to keep in the back of my mind this week...just as a start.

• The times of my episodes happen(ed) when stress levels rise. When trauma happens, I give up completely on trying to prevent episodes. I close up and don't sort through the pain and issues. 
• When I feel stressed, I need to take a moment and remember a memory that has an emotional connection. An emotion that I find inspiring. I need to either sit, close my eyes, focus on deep belly filled breathes and place myself in the situation and scenery all over again. Example: the day I ran up the Hidden Trail behind my house in less than 15 minutes instead of walking it in 40 minutes. That feeling I got when I put my hands behind my head, closed my eyes, took deep breathes to give my lungs a little more life, and opened my eyes to see the river, houses, mountains, valley, and trees surrounding myself. The beauty that I found in that moment...a moment that can never be taken away from me.The moment I smiled when tears ran down my face because I was proud of myself.
• In a sense, my anxiety has lessened by a lot, but it has manifested to wanting to over eat. 
• When I want or get the idea to binge, the only thing that stops the thoughts is actually doing it. So, I'm going to try this instead: picture a new goal. A goal that will take a lot of hard work and dedication to accomplish. Something I may think I can't accomplish, but a goal that I have a passion to succeed at. Picture my surrounding, the feeling that could possibly come with it (lets face it, it will probably be 100 times better than what I think). Sit in that moment and realize that binging isn't going to help my goals. 

Some things that became crystal clear as I walked out of the session.

• This is mental. Time to strengthen my spirit, soul, and mind. 
• I'm no less than anyone else on a weight loss journey or living a healthy lifestyle. I'm simply having to focus on different aspects to make it all work. 
• I felt better saying everything out loud.
• I'm excited to challenge myself why being kind to my mind and body.

Have a great Tuesday! Make this week better than last!

Personal Trainer Melt Down

Lets play catch up real quick.

Two or three weeks ago, I got a membership at Missoula Title Boxing Club. I had gone for 3 weeks in November and honestly loved the workouts and the results I saw. I was hooked, so I made the investment. It isn't just the results, it's the desire and passion to get up and go every day...what else could I want?

I decided I wanted to FINALLY jump into the idea/plan of getting a personal trainer. I took classes from almost every trainer at the gym and decided that Rachel would push me yet be someone I could lean on when things seemed to get tough. Support & tough love are a must during this journey. Trust me :) 

Krystal & I after one of first 5:30 am workout classes!

So, I got a trainer, sent her information about me & on Tuesday February February 4 I had my consultation and first session. I hadn't worked out in almost a week and the weekend before was my birthday weekend. I knew I'd struggle because what she was going to have me do was probably stuff I hadn't done before. 

I listened, paid attention, and did work. I laughed, wanted to vomit, winced, pushed a little harder, almost gave up, and soaked in all the information she was giving me during sets. I was drenched in sweat and my body was trembling. I hadn't done weights in weeks (focusing on running time to time and skipping some workouts). It was a great eye opener. Now, what I'm going to explain...has taken me almost a week to TRY to put into words. I don't feel as embarrassed to share it with you because I had a friend tell me that it's completely normal and that she's done it from time to time. And thinking back, I've had this happen before but it smaller magnitudes.

When we finished my training session, my legs were shaking and my heart was racing and I couldn't run out of the building fast enough. I felt this sense of embarrassment but I couldn't figure it out? I was changing my shoes and my body was screaming for me to get out of the building. I needed to be alone. I felt embarrassed, but I kept telling myself 'you just did something that you would have never even thought of doing a few months ago'. I was talking down my mind but my body was screaming at me. Yes, I had just pushed it pretty hard so I was just trying to calm down. When the cold air and snow hit my face, I couldn't stop the tears. I fumbled with my keys, sunk into my car ,and sobbed while my body just shook.

I started my car and Katy Perry's song "Roar" came on and I continued to cry. I mean the kind of cry where there was snot rolling down my face into my mouth, mascara completely ruined, and abs hurting crying. Once I wiped my eyes dry, I started laughing. About absolutely nothing. After about 20 minutes of sitting in my car, I drove home. I had to remind myself to pay attention to what I was doing because I found myself going "blank" every couple of minutes. I was exhausted in ALL aspects. 

I thought I was having a break down, and felt SOOO silly but after thinking about it; I think it comes down to three things. 

1. What I'm doing in my life to better myself is VERY spiritual and emotional. I'm becoming in-tune with parts of my body, soul, and mind that I never knew existed. I'm learning something new about myself every single day. After almost a year, I'm still about to surprise myself every single day and that's the most gratifying and rewarding feeling ever.
2. I've started another Point A. I always LOVE tracking my progress by pictures and small goals and reaching them. I've put another "Point A" on my map. I've started a VERY big chapter by adding in more strength and having advice and support from a professional. I can ONLY become better from here on out! 
3. I am proud. I'm becoming the person I want and know I can be. I am proud that I'm able to push a little harder and that I can ignore that voice in my head that tells me to give up. I worked past that voice that day and my body realized that it's capable of so much more than my mind knows!

"Goals to Meet & Records to Break"

With my success of running on Friday and my emotional/mental victory I felt like a new woman! I knew my weekend would be very relaxed and full of activity to ensure that I "meet my goals and break records". 

Saturday was rest day! Boo ya! 

On Sunday, my friend Krystal and I went to my gym and had a 2 hour session of a full body workout. We did a 30 minute circuit ranging from burpees, squats, weighted squats, arm (focusing on triceps), and donkey kicks. Then, we spent a good hour on different machines focusing on legs and arms. We did 15 of the the heaviest weight we could tolerate, then 10 of the weight below X3. Then, we got on the treadmill but my shins were on fire, so I spent 20+minutes on the stair stepper while Krystal did intervals on the treadmill. We finished with 10 minutes in the sauna. Boy, did I feel it this morning! 

 This morning, (Monday-three day weekend!) I made 2 eggs with 7 grain oats (oatmeal) with a half a frozen banana and some dark chocolate peanut butter in it for some fuel before I headed to the gym. Once I got to the gym, I decided that no matter what I would be doing 40+ minutes on the treadmill. Once again, the shin splints came back. I decided to increase the incline and decrease the running speed so that it was a constant jog or power walk. I felt pretty good! I got to the point of realizing it didn't matter if I couldn't run, as long as I was sweating! I am looking into actual running shoes that are for my type of feet (I think some extra arch support while running will help). 

Morning Workout.

 I went home and put a whole chicken in my crock pot so I could have some delicious chicken for the week & had lunch. It was so beautiful out, I'm limiting how I describe the beauty because it's the end of January and it's like it's April out...I don't want to jinx it!

Haha. Anyway, I told myself I would go back to the gym to do weights but realized I was pretty sore from the day before and I didn't want to be inside. I headed out to the Hidden Trail behind my house! It's the trail/mountain that started it ALL! 

It was the first workout I did on April 6 and it was a "beast" that I had to battle time and time again. I found determination and passion on that trail and it's why I am the the person today! My first hike, it took me nearly 45 minutes to hike up the trail because of having to stop and having an anxiety attack every 10 minutes because I was telling myself I couldn't do it. Today, I ran up the trail in less than 15 minutes. I stopped, enjoyed the view, and did some stretching before I made my way back down. How amazing? I'm not going to talk about how out of shape I was or how sad I was 70+ lbs ago, because I'm so damn proud of what I did that day. I didn't give up and I kept going back. I'm only getting better! 

Tomorrow starts another work week, but I'm positive I'll make it to the gym each night like I did this last week. I'm so excited to see my transformation and journey continue. I've felt in a rut for months, still making small steps, but the reality is...this is life. I won't reach a goal weight and stay there just because. I will have to work at this for the rest of my life, but the differance between who I was months ago and who I am today, I'm okay with that! I'm excited to live a healthy life for years to come and find myself "surprised" by accomplishments I make each day. I always say that you need to surprise yourself in order to see change and progress! 

Have a fab week everyone, will update soon!